Repost: The Sex Toy Talk

This is an interesting and cool question from Slate's Dear Prudence. If every young woman got a vibrator at 16, would the world be a better place? I'm wondering why she advises her not to talk to her mother about getting a vibrator. Not that it's something I'd ever talk to my mother about...

Dear Prudie,

I'm 16 years old and have an awkward dilemma. I'm thinking about buying a vibrator because I am very curious, but the thing is, I want to talk to my mom about it first. We have a very close and open relationship, and she says I can talk to her about anything. I'm just not sure about this. I'm scared that it will make her feel awkward (even though she's a nurse, so she likes talking about gross stuff).

I already tried talking to one of my best friends about it, but she seemed pretty repulsed by the idea. I'm still a virgin and not planning to change that for quite some time, so it's not like I'm going to be romping around with teenage boys. The vibrator would be for my own private use, and having my mom to talk to first would be especially helpful to me. Should I tell her?

—Just Curious

Dear Curious,

If you want instructions on proper vibrator use, I can probably help you: Add batteries, aim, fire. If you want permission, I can help you, too: Masturbation is perfectly normal, and a teenager doesn't need to check in with her mother before engaging in it.

It's wonderful that you and your mother are so close that you feel you can talk to her about this—but just because you can doesn't mean you should. Part of your job as a teenager is to start separating from your mother, and masturbation may be a good place for you to establish a zone of privacy.

I'm sure your mother—since she's a nurse and all—would understand your desire for orgasms and appreciate the fact that you are seeking them solo. And if she hears a suspicious buzzing from your room, she probably won't conclude that you've taken up woodworking.

Once you do become sexually active with more than an inanimate object, it's great that you'll feel able to turn to your mother for guidance because young women can use help making sure they're protected from disease, pregnancy, and bad choices. But your adventures in vibrator-land may be something you need to confide only to your diary.

—Prudie

The Sexual Debutante: How do you tell your partner you've never had sex? Do you even have to tell?

Some excellent questions from one of our readers:

Other than "I'm a virgin," (which I hate, with its noun-ness, it's definition of a person by their sexual history) how do you say to a potential partner: "By the way, I haven't had sex before." What are some options?

Looking for terminology that's not purity- or virginity-based, on the less-of-a-big-deal, don't-freak-out side of things.

Also curious about thoughts on not telling a potential first-time partner, and just doing it. Is that deceitful? A bad idea? Or reasonable privacy? (Like, is there the same "should" about telling someone it's your first time having oral sex?)

Defining virginity is always problematic, and I'm growing more and more dissatisfied with the phrase "losing your virginity" and recently heard a great alternative*: Making your sexual debut. Wouldn't that sound so much more sophisticated at the moment of truth? And you could define that debut any damn way you pleased.

I had no intention of telling my first partner, but he figured it out really fast (due to the fact that I had no idea what I was doing). And he was pretty unhappy about it too. Contrary to the virginity pornographers and religious zealots, men want women with some experience (but not too much because that would be slutty...groan...that's a whole other post)

What do you think? How would you say it? And do you think it needs to be said at all?

*From Shira Tarrant at the fabulous Feminist Sex panel at Bluestockings Bookstore in New York. I think she had heard it somewhere else so I'm not sure of its origins. A review of the event is here.

This is a test post

Sorry for the content-less intrusion.

The Fascinating Evolution of Birth Control... Just don't call chastity belts 'contraception'

Newsweek had an interesting little online feature on the history of birth control highlighting the brave, inspiring (and sometimes brutal and toxic) work by women and men to allow us to decide if and when we become parents.

There's information about early versions of cervical caps from the 1920s and 16th century condoms, and they describe the earliest spermicides made of cedar oil and lead(!) ointment. Yes, the lead went inside the ladies.


I especially like the photos and illustrations they dug up. Like this one above of Scottish doctor Marie Stopes who wrote a guide to contraception in 1918 called Wise Parenthood. She opened the first of her birth control clinics in North London in 1921, the same year Margaret Sanger opened her first clinic in Brooklyn.


Estelle Griswold, medical adviser and executive director of Planned Parenthood clinic in New Haven, and Mrs. Ernest Jahncke, president of the Parenthood League of CT.

And I just adore the look on these two women's faces as they celebrate Griswold v. Connecticut in 1965. The headline reads "High Court Rules Birth Control Law Unconstitutional." This was the US Supreme Court case which struck down the prohibition of birth control in that state. Yes - this happened in 1965! It established 'right of privacy' which allowed people to plan their own sexual and reproductive lives, an important precedent for Roe v. Wade.


I do have one major issue with their discussion of chastity belts, which they flippantly call 'an early attempt at abstinence-only education.' These barbaric devices were instruments of torture - and a heinous way for men to control the lives of their women. In fact, according to the curator of the Museum of Sex, you can find early chastity belts in museums of torture, and not in her museum.

I also take issue with calling chastity belts a form of contraception. Contraception's purpose is to prevent conception after a sex act. Preventing someone from having sex in the first place doesn't quite count. I'd say abstinence is in that same category. There's no need for contraception if there's no sex happening.

Thanks to polarchip for the link!!

Do this Wednesday!! Make the call to stop another $50 million for Abstinence-Only sex ed

This is easy!! All it takes is one phone call to let your senators know you opposed more funding for abstinence-only sex ed. Invite your friends! Have a party! Download the toolkit here.

Join the National Comprehensive Sex Education Call-In Day on October 28th!

Here's the scoop from Choice USA:

The healthcare reform debate is dominating the news right now. One thing we’re not hearing about is the Hatch Amendment, an amendment that would have a serious impact on sex education in our classrooms. Voted into the Senate Finance Committee’s version of healthcare reform 12-11, the Hatch Amendment lays out a $50 million funding plan to get failed abstinence-only programs back into our classrooms.

We need to speak up! This piece of healthcare reform will directly impact our everyday lives and its key we show our legislators we want sex education grounded in fact that teaches us what we need to know.

Abstinence-only programs don’t work. President Obama has called for the end of them in his budget and Members of Congress in the House and Senate have held firm by letting ab-only funding streams expire. Let’s make sure 12 Senators don’t successfully get bad sex education back into our classrooms!

Join Choice USA, SIECUS, SYRF, Advocates for Youth, and Catholics for Choice in our National Call-In Day on Wednesday, October 28th.

Who to call:

Call 1-888-423-5983 to reach your Senators’ office.

What to say when you call:

Hi. My name is ________________. May I please speak with the Senator’s lead aide on health? I am calling to talk about stripping the Hatch Abstinence-only Amendment from the Health Care Reform bill.

(after they transfer you to the right person in the office)

Hi. My name is ___________ and I am calling from ___________. The Senate Finance Committee recently passed the Hatch Abstinence-only Amendment to Health Care Reform– reinstating $50 million in funding for failed abstinence-only-until-marriage programs.

We need to ensure Congress only funds a comprehensive approach to sex education and does not fund ineffective abstinence-only-until-marriage programs that leave young people at risk. As a constituent of Senator _________, I urge the Senator to work to strip the Hatch Abstinence-only Amendment from the final Health Care Reform bill.

Other Talking Points to Use:

-Health Care Reform is a critically important task for this Congress and it should not be hijacked by ideologically motivated earmarks.

-The Title V abstinence-only-until-marriage program expired on June 30th and, at that time, had been refused by nearly half of the states both because of the restrictive nature of the program and the fact that overwhelming evidence has proven these programs to be ineffective and a waste of taxpayer dollars.

-The federal government’s own study of the Title V abstinence-only-until-marriage program found these programs to be completely ineffective at their stated goals.
-Moreover, study after study has shown that abstinence-only-until-marriage programs have no effect whatsoever.

-It is time for the federal government to stop wasting taxpayer dollars on these failed programs.

-I stand with the millions of Americans who support teaching both abstinence and contraception. Nationwide polls show that eight-in-ten voters want young people to receive a comprehensive approach to sex education that includes teaching about both abstinence and contraception.

Halloween is now officially out of control

Miley Cyrus's little sister Noah in her Halloween outfit.

And from Rachel Simmons: The Real Reason Girls Wear Sexy Costumes on Halloween? They don't like looking silly.

First Person: Mark"From hindsight, I consider the experience a freak accident"

This week's First Person interview comes from 49-year-old Mark, who talks to us about pagan Greek female mathematicians, cryonics, and why skydiving is like sex. Please send us an email if you'd like to tell your story.

Tell us about yourself:
I’m 49 years old, white, male, atheist. I grew up in a state on the periphery of the American South. I own way too many books. I work in the hospitality industry in a Southwestern state. I live with a cat named after a pagan Greek female mathematician who was murdered by Christians, though I can’t tell if she’s my cat or if I’m her human.

I’m also well known in a couple of fringe tech subcultures called cryonics and transhumanism, but not for anything notable I’ve accomplished; just for hanging around for a number of years, expressing partly-baked opinions online and coming up with a neologism on one occasion which has apparently “gone viral,” as they say.

What's your definition of virginity?
In my case, I consider myself a virgin because I’ve never ejaculated inside a woman’s vagina, either with or without a condom. That doesn’t mean I haven’t had other kinds of physical contact with women, however. (More on that below.)

Why have you decided to remain a virgin?
I haven’t “decided” anything of the sort. One, virginity is the default state, just like not having ever gone skydiving is the default state. Okay, that’s not the best analogy; but you wouldn’t find it odd to meet a man my age who had never jumped out of a plane wearing a parachute. You need the opportunity first, before you can exert yourself to lose both your sexual virginity and your skydiving virginity. That is hard to do if you don’t have either a cooperative woman or the plane and a parachute available.

Two, women serve as the gatekeepers. They have to consent to sexual contact. My sexual desires don’t give me a right or an entitlement to the use of any woman’s body, especially in such an intimate and emotionally complicated way. In other words, women have decided for me that I remain a virgin.

How have your partners reacted?
I’ve had a few dates in my life which didn’t lead to anything. I suppose I’ve had only one attempt at a “partner,” whom I met in 1994 (when I was 34) through the tech subcultures I mentioned above. She advertised for men interested in cryonics and possibly marriage in a real paper
newsletter that was still published and delivered by mail back then. I contacted her because she seemed a better candidate than any woman I had ever heard of as a plausible girlfriend, and during our long-distance courtship I mentioned my virginity, which intrigued her, I suppose. She agreed to fly out to visit me for sexual relations, which didn’t go well at all because I couldn’t get an erection to save my life despite our best efforts. I didn’t, and don’t, have anything medically wrong with me in that area; it’s just that I lacked the conditioned responses to try to start an adult sex life without practice or preparation at age 34.

From hindsight I consider this experience a “freak accident,” because if I had met this woman in more socially common way, she probably wouldn’t have sexually offered herself to me. A few years later I visited a psychotherapist and told him about my virginity and my sexual dysfunction with this woman. He tried to sell me on a course of treatment with a surrogate and I declined, not only for financial reasons and the distance I’d have to travel; but also because I find the thought of having a strange woman touch me, even in a “professional” capacity, distasteful.

Any general thoughts on virginity?
I conjecture that boys growing up into men have a developmental window from their mid teens through their early 20’s to have their first sexual experiences. If they miss that window, they might have problems trying to initiate their adult sex lives later on.

For example, the sex therapist I mentioned above told me that a lot of his clients are ultra-orthodox Jewish men who don’t start having sex until they get married well into their 20’s, and then discover that their penises don’t want to cooperate. I have to wonder if adult male virgins in other abstinence-obsessed cultures like radical Islam or fundamentalist Christianity also encounter similar problems if they have to wait too long before they gain their community’s approved access to sex in marriage.

Tina Fey on being a virgin until 24:"I couldn't give it away." Somehow we doubt that.

If you can't see the video above, try this.

Tina Fey had a funny bit with David Letterman the other night about her loss of virginity at the age of 24. He read a list of names of 'older virgins' which included her, Brooke Shields and Adriana Lima.

Fey pointed out the difference between her and them was that their virginity was optional (they were both gorgeous models), but in Fey's case she had no offers due to what she called her 'homely' appearance.

Sort of hard to believe given how many horndogs out there would be happy to have sex with anything that stays still long enough. More likely was that Fey was more discerning than she let on. I waited until I was 23, not from lack of offers (three month backpacking trip to Europe at age 19 provided plenty) but because those offers came from gross Australian hostel workers.

So while there were probably opportunities for Fey, especially in comedy world, they were probably with, well, people in the comedy world. She met her husband at 24 and the rest is history.

The Artificial Hymen discussion continues...

"As an Arab — an independent Arab woman — you can break as many glass ceilings as you like. But you can never break your hymen."
Amy Mowafi, author of a popular column and now best-selling book, "Fe-mail: The Trials and Tribulations of Being a Good Egyptian Girl"

The Egyptian virginity story sure has legs! It's been two weeks since I first heard about the controversy over something called the Artificial Hymen, and the stories are still coming.

In an NPR report, Egyptian author Amy Mowafi talks astutely about her own issues with virginity devices:

"The problem with a device like this is it makes it too easy for the woman to play by the rules of society instead of standing up and saying, 'No, you need to understand that I am a good person. And it should not all come down to this issue of a hymen.' "

Interestingly, the NPR story prompted some commenters to write that they were offended by the story, seeing it as pornographic and inappropriate. While any story about sex can certainly be titillating, the way much of the world treats women and their sexuality is worth serious discussion.

The control, testing and enforcement of virginity are something enacted upon women by men seeking to control women's lives. At worst, it is brutal and often lethal. At the very least (as it is in the USA) it is shaming, manipulative and often creates a public health hazard due to the lack of accurate sex education.

And it is by no means a purely Muslim practice although the Islamic world does an excellent job of drawing the world's attention to its special brand of misogyny.

The conversation continues.Here's the full NPR report on All Things Considered. The embeded audio is below:

Books We Want: If only for their covers...

I came across this fantastic vintage Harlequin Romance cover via the blog Shuffling Through A Book-less Desert who writes:

This one caught my attention, not only because of the title – virgins in titles back in the 50s! – but because of the cover art. The colors in the background caught my eye, but then I realized that those butterflies were a little...strange. Disembodied heads with butterfly wings sprouting out of their ears! Who in the art department thought that was a good idea?

Woah...looks like our heroine is having a bad acid trip to me. "Virgin with Butterflies" is one of a series of re-issues of old Harlequin titles. Here's the description of the book on Harlequin's website:

She's a smooth blonde with enough real glamour not to need makeup—especially when she's in tight white satin. She's honest and sort of naïve, but she knows how to get a man or get rid of a wolf.

She's a cigarette girl in a spot just off Chicago's loop, but she's about to start really going places. As she goes, she collects an Indian raja, an amorous sheikh and a mysterious gentleman reputed to be the Rockefeller of Burma. These gents are after something, chasing the gal around the world to get it, and it ain't hay. That's where her butterflies come in—they flutter hard, warning her when she's scared or propositioned, and they're working overtime. Effectively?—read the book and find out.

Wait - men cast a net for her? Isn't she casting a net for them? They're butterflies, after all, and those garters do say 'I know how to get a man." She's got the whole classic virgin/whore/tease thing going for her. Or at least her illustrator does. Anyway, I don't think I want to read the book, but a poster of the cover would be awesome!

First Person: Anna"I knew what my sexual choice branded me: a freak."

This week's First Person comes from 31-year-old Anna Broadway, author of the book Sexless in the City: A Memoir of Reluctant Chastity. Please send us an email if you'd like to tell your story.


Long before Judd Apatow made the 40-Year-Old Virgin, I knew what my sexual choice branded me: a freak. Over the years, I’ve had a lot of interesting conversations about my reasons for staying sexless. While I’m not surprised when people disagree with or even insult my choices, there’s one response that’s surprised me: wistfulness.

A woman will realize I’m still a virgin and the next thing I know, she’s congratulating me and musing about her own love life, especially its disappointments. The bad sex. The frequent bad sex. The great sex with men who didn’t stick around. And those are just the stories they’ve shared with me. When I hear things like that, it lessens my sense of “loss” about spending a decade without sex (I’m 31).

We tend to think of abstention as missing out, but in reality, what my chastity has denied me is not 10 years of fabulous sex, but an even deeper pain on each occasion when some guy I liked or dated walked away from me. As Alain de Botton said in his novel The Romantic Movement, “A more melancholy way of looking at the history of sexual technique was to read it as a history of disappointment.”

No matter how good or bad sex with each man in my past could have been, whatever might have been would not have lasted. Thanks to the clarity of history, I now know that each time I met someone and thought we had great potential, my imagination far surpassed the reality. Even if I had had sex with those men, I still would not have married them — and that for me is the real goal.

I don’t want a boyfriend who, as a pithy coffee barista here in San Francisco once put it, would discard me like a shoe or car when he tires of me. I want someone with whom I can build a life. And if it takes only one person to make that happen, why should I need lots of lovers in the meantime?

Experience! You might be shouting. Practice! Finding out if you are compatible in bed, for God’s sake!

But the thing is, all this talk of compatibility translates to, Does he do what I like? Does he meet MY needs? And however common a mindset that might be, it’s fundamentally selfish. This sounds innocent and harmless when we’re talking about our own behavior, but it doesn’t take long to realize that we don’t wish others behaved more selfishly toward us. Sex, of course, is difficult. In fact, I suspect it might be one of the hardest human exchanges in which to try to putting another’s needs before your own. I doubt it can be done without extensive practice at unselfishness and denying self-centered impulses in other, easier settings. But since that’s a challenge I face every day when I board a crowded train or use the communal kitchen at the office, I can actually work on becoming the sort of person who’ll be a good lover without getting anywhere near a bed. And by the same measure, I can tell a lot about how selfish or self-giving someone is without ever spending the night with him.

At this point, some have objected that denying a boyfriend sex could in fact be selfish. But with said hypothetical boyfriend, it’s unlikely we would have yet reached the point of pooling all our resources, forging legal ties and so on. That means, there’d be parts of our lives where we’d still be holding onto things, refusing to share or to trust. Holding nothing and sharing everything in a physical sense, then, would mean taking greater risks with my body than I was willing to do with my finances or my future. And that’s not being unselfish, it’s being unwise and unhealthy.

This, in the end, is why I’ve become the most grateful for my chastity, freakish or not. It might sometimes earn scorn, derision and rejection, but it’s taught me the importance of being whole as a woman. I’d far rather have that than a fragmented pleasure.

And if the Artificial Hymen is sold out...

As a follow-up to the controversy over Egyptian clerics calling for severe punishment for users of a device called the Artificial Hymen, the blog The Sexist reports on another virginity-faking device:

...patented in the United States by Shahram Shawn Omrani of Passaje, N.J. The product, called the Condom Simulating Virginity consists of a flexible, open-ended sheath (like your regular Trojan), but is outfitted with an additional burstable pouch “containing a red colored fluid simulating blood.”

The idea is that the secret pouch of blood is made of a thinner material than the rest of the condom, so that when penetration occurs it ruptures. The secret is that the condom is a dark color so that you can't see the blood capsule hidden in the tip.

This makes no sense. Is the woman supposed to trick her husband into wearing this on their wedding night? It's hard enough getting a guy to wear a condom, especially when your first priority is to give birth to a son. How does she even explain that she just happened to have this odd-colored condom on hand for this special occasion.

Or is he in on it, in which case why go to all that trouble? There are easier ways to fake bleeding if your husband agrees that the whole thing is a crazy crock of shit.

As I wrote in the previous post, in some cultures it's so dangerous to not bleed in your wedding night, even virgins get surgery to make sure they bleed on penetration.

Take Action: Stop the Return of Abstinence-Only Education

From the Advocates for Youth website:

On Tuesday night, Senator Orrin Hatch (R-UT) pushed through an amendment in the Senate Finance Committee authorizing $50 million in funding for abstinence-only programs as part of Health Care Reform – despite over 10 years of evidence that these programs do not work.

By a razor-thin vote of 12-11, the Senators on the Finance Committee gave conservative ideology a victory over science and common sense. We are too close to finally ending federal funding for failed abstinence-only programs. Tell your Senators it's time to stop these programs once and for all!

Please take action and let your representatives know how you feel. It will only take a minute!

Movies We Might See: American Virgin(the other one, just for research)

Rob Schneider's new film American Virgin was released Oct. 5th and it initally looked like another lame teen sex comedy to forget as quickly as possible. But, watching the trailer, you can see he's perfectly captured the current zeitgeist of female sexuality. Here's their blurb:

A Freshman College Girl on a scholarship from an abstinence group that advocates saving sex until marriage discovers that her antics on a night of debauchery, when she reluctantly got drunk for the first time in her life, were captured on camera by a sleazy video producer. Now she and her friends must travel across country to recover the incriminating footage.

Virginity Pledger gets really drunk and is caught on tape doing something nasty for a Girls-Gone-Wild-type show. Covering both ends of the female sexuality spectrum in one go, totally opposite worlds colliding, ergo hilarity and sexiness ensue. Or not.

As I've written before, this is the classic virgin/whore thing all over again. It's not opposites, but rather two sides of the same coin: a narrow definition of female sexuality as conceived by the male viewer. Listen girls – whether they're pressed together or spread apart, your value lies between those legs.

Let me quote from my own film proposal: Why does America have this obsession with both a narrowly-defined sexualization of young women – and with imposing a cult of virginity on them? Does America have a problem with sexually-liberated women?

You know what would really be two worlds colliding? Our heroine realizes she's the agent of her own sexuality and walks happily off-camera to do with her body as she pleases. That might mean having sex or not, but sorry Rob Schneider, you don't get to watch or judge – and neither does anyone else.

I actually want to see this film. Maybe amid all its grossness and its celebration of coercion and voyeurism, there's a fantastic message buried within. I know, highly unlikely, but I'll save you the price of a ticket and let you know.

Ignorance Is Bliss Dept.

“Please don’t kill me for saying this, but as a virgin I’ve come to believe that — at least in my own case — I have an advantage. I could honestly care less if I married a man who was 2 inches, 4 inches or 6 inches.

It seems Western society puts too much stock into 'sexual compatibility’ instead of quality compatibility. You could have the most intense, most wonderful sex in the universe…but during the intermission you have the worst relationship.

Just my own two cents — and for the record, virgin does not equate close-minded, sex-fearing prude. The first time I get to be intimate with a man when I marry…rest assured he won’t sleep.”

– Rosario, commenting on Advice: My New Boyfriend Has a Small Penis on the Em & Lo site.

Justifying a Sex-Free Life: Some Thoughts on Asexuality

We just got a nice email from our new friend, the UK-based Asexual Curiosities, who wrote a recent post on how The American Virgin might be a good landing place for the asexual community.

We're very flattered by the kind words and thought AC's take on what we did was very interesting. So here are some excerpts from their post. We'll do a Q&A with more about asexuality in a post to come.

Sometimes I feel we asexuals get so obsessed with our own, socially constructed, definitions and labels that we might not realise that, just outside or beside the asexual label, there are people with whom we can still relate.

Maybe asexuality should look outside of itself a little. It doesn't help the asexual movement much, but it certainly helps asexual individuals to see how people without the magic label justify their similar sexualities and sexual choices.

It's often difficult, when justifying a sexless life, to hit that right balance.

Either you think sex is icky and everyone should stop doing it, or you pretend you're more sex positive than you are so that no-one can call you erotophobic (when plenty of sexual people are just as uncomfortable about the role of sex in modern society, which is actually pretty screwed up).

Either you open yourself up and say, as the last interviewee on the American Virgin blog did, something like; "I'm worried that I have some kind of undiagnosed social anxiety disorder" and open yourself up to the idea of being 'damaged goods', with a disinterest in sex that is obviously entirely the cause of an oversimplified and malignant psychiatric disorder, or you close yourself up and become the Ideal Asexual, with a standard of psychiatric health, confidence and complete wellbeing that no human being could aspire to.

This is the choice asexuals (and other celibate people/deliberate virgins) have to face. Either you deny who you are, or you give your enemy the power to accuse you of denying who you are.

OK, so I've only read a little of this blog. But, from what I've read, it seems to float above that whole mire quite effortlessly and beautifully. People just are who they are. If they don't want sex, it isn't a problem with a cause, but a choice, with a whole array of reasons. It's something to be admired, and if we can gain that same tranquility and honesty, I feel we'd all be a great deal happier.

Egypt wants death penalty for users of Artifical Hymen

[Correction: Tracy Clark-Flory reports, in her excellent Salon article, that the price of the Artificial Hymen has gone up to $30]

From a BBC News report:

A leading Egyptian scholar has demanded that people caught importing a female virginity-faking device into the country should face the death penalty.

Abdul Mouti Bayoumi said supplying the item was akin to spreading vice in society, a crime punishable by death in Islamic Sharia law. The device is said to release liquid imitating blood, allowing a female to feign virginity on her wedding night. The contraption is seen as a cheap and simple alternative to hymen repair surgery, which is carried out in secret by some clinics in the Middle East.

Professor Bayoumi, a scholar at the prestigious al-Azhar University, said it undermined the moral deterrent of fornication, which he described as a crime and one of the cardinal sins in Islam.

We're not sure, but we think he's referring to the Artificial Virginity Hymen, which he must have read about on our blog some time ago. The copy on the ad for the product says:

When your lover penetrate, it will ooze out a liquid that look like blood not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans, you will pass through undetectable.

So if you're caught using one of these rather icky devices, you should be put to death by the state. And if you don't bleed on your wedding night, you should be put to death by your family. Given that bleeding has nothing whatsoever to do with whether or not you've had intercourse before, and many virgins don't bleed the first time, it's not surprising that women go to great lengths to assure blood on the sheet.

It's why so many women (even actual non-intercourse-having-virgins!) go to those clinics to get a stitch or two put into their hymen. Why isn't this guy ranting about the clinics and the doctors who perform the surgery? Are they the secret lobby group, pissed off they're losing business to a product you can get for $30 plus shipping?

I doubt it. They actually perform a very valuable humanitarian service 'certifying' virginity even though they know full well it can't be done (as several have told me in interviews). Maybe when it's 'legal' for women to be sexually active, they won't have to go to any crazy lengths to prove something that's unprovable.

First Person: Natalie "I'm not going to be less picky just because I am no longer a virgin.'

This week's First Person interview comes from 24-year-old Natalie, who talks to us about Ob/Gyn mom, the happiest day of her life and why she didn't tell her partner she was a virgin. Please send us an email if you'd like to tell your story.

Tell us about yourself:
My name is Natalie, and I'm a 24-year-old heterosexual female from the USA, and I'm a law student. I consider oral/vaginal/anal sex to all be "sex".

Why did you decide to stay a virgin?
I grew up in a liberal household and my mom is an Ob/Gyn, so sexuality was never a taboo subject. I had no desire to remain "pure" and no strong desire to wed, so waiting till marriage wouldn't work. But my mom made me paranoid about STD/Is and I knew I would never be promiscuous. Plus, I am kind of picky in regards to my friends and my lovers so I wanted to have sexual activity within the context of a relationship.

I went on oral contraceptives at 17 in preparation for college and my mother sent me away with a huge supply of condoms/Plan B. Since I don't drink (a huge activity in college) and spent my time hanging out in the theater department, so meeting men I was interested in didn't really happen. I went on a few dates, kissed some guys, made great friends but nobody I wanted to be in a relationship with appeared.

Around my 20th birthday, I began to feel ashamed about my lack of sexual experience. I began to doubt myself, my attractiveness, my desirability, my normalcy. I even started to question if was heterosexual (I definitely was). It seemed the thing that came so easily to everyone else (sex) was so difficult for me. The only individuals I knew who had never engaged in any type of sexual activity beyond kissing at my age were religiously motivated.

I ended up going 3 years without so much as kissing someone and that made me very depressed. There were nights I would cry myself to sleep just because I longed to be touched, to feel that connection to another human being. The worse thing was feeling as if it would never change, and I would never have the experiences I longed for. I no longer felt my lack of sexual experience was a choice – it felt more like a punishment. However, I was determined not to have a roll in the hay with the first guy who looked my way.

How did you lose your virginity?
I had vaginal and oral sex, touched a penis and laid in bed with a naked man for the first time on my 23rd birthday from approximately midnight to 6am! It was the happiest day of my life, and all of the things I thought I would be – scared, nervous, ashamed – I wasn't any of those things. I was just happy.

I had moved back to my home city the year before to go to law school, and 7 months before my birthday I met a guy who lived in my building. I was attracted to him instantly and for the first time I felt as if someone wanted me as much as I wanted them. It was sweet and pleasurable and intimate and completely worth staying up till 6am for! However, we broke up a few months later due to things entirely not related to sex. I don't regret our experience together for one second.

I never told him I had never had sex because:
1.When my friend R., who believed oral sex wasn't sex, finally decided she wanted to have vaginal intercourse, she was rejected four times. I was afraid the same thing would happen to me: guys would learn I had never had vaginal intercourse and back out during the heat of foreplay. I didn't want to risk that – or risk that he would find it attractive that I was "untouched." Both were equally distasteful.

2. I didn't think it was any of his business! My sexual life before him was private, and once we both got tested before we had sex, I had no desire to learn about his previous sexual experiences. Having penetrated myself with sex toys for the last few years I knew there was no need to worry about pain or discomfort.

My thoughts on virginity:
The emotional baggage that went along with feeling unwanted and undesirable and "different/defective" was much more damaging than the physical act of never having had sex. If I want t0 have an orgasm I can through masturbation. While the physical gratification can't be overlooked, how I feel mentally about my sexuality is much more important than what body part has touched another body part. I am happy that my first time was everything I wanted it to be. Maybe because I spent years and years waiting for it, the universe threw me a bone!

I'm not going to be less picky about who I choose to be with just because I am no longer a virgin. I believe our culture places too much emphasis on the first time one has sex (especially for women) as if the first time is the only time that is special, the only time one should consider if sex is the right choice for you. If everyone was as particular about the 50th they had sex as they were about the first, I think many of the negative consequences of sex (emotional and physical) would be minimized.

Touched For the Very First Time

Thanks to our favorite film editor Carole for alerting us to this wonderful website. Pure Romance seems to be a kind Avon-like enterprise, except that instead of a woman showing up at your door with a selection of lipsticks, she has a selection of dildos.

They also sell a vaginal tightener called "Like A Virgin." It's an alum-based cream that, when applied to the vaginal walls, causes swelling making it feel, you know, like the very first time. At least that's what they claim. We've written about similar products before, mostly to compare it to Trixie Films' favorite vaginal tightener "China Shrink Cream." Here in our test kitchens, we applied it to the facial lips of one willing intern with little result.

Anyway, we're pretty over the fact that these products exists and that people actually think it's something they should use. What got us – and Carole – was this line of how-to advice from Pure Romance CEO and "Intimacy Expert" Patty Brisben:

If you can’t reach very far into the vagina, or are too uncomfortable touching yourself...

We're with Carole in thinking that if a woman is too uncomfortable to touch herself, yet is seeking out this product, perhaps she should be directed to a therapist instead.

Guest Blogging for Tribeca Films: Losin' it in the movies, ladystyle.

The Tribeca Films* blog asked me to do a guest post for them on the subject of virginity at the movies. I decided to wade through the testosterone-infused waters of Hollywood coming-of-age films and write on films about losing it ladystyle. It's adapted from a post I did for this blog last week. Check it out here: http://tinyurl.com/lr2d59

*Tribeca Productions, which is Robert DeNiro's company, was my first film job in NYC. Hello Jane Rosenthal! Remember me?

[If you can't see the Real Women Have Curves clip above, click here]

Viral Virgin Shaming

I've been avoiding posting on this video that came up in my daily 'virgin' Google News search a few days ago. But now that it's absolutely everywhere, here's my two cents:

A 56-year-old woman, testifying at a school board hearing on sex ed, is cut off because her topic had actually been discussed the day before. Unfortunately, in the course of her testimony she makes the point that kids should be taught they can be sexually satisfied without removing their clothes – and then admits to being a 56-year-old virgin to, I guess, show she knows of what she speaks.

I'm not sure why she was possessed by such a need to overshare, but I imagine she never expected video of her testimony to be sent all over the world. The poor woman's speech has gone crazy viral and it makes me sick and sad that she's now an object of ridicule. Maybe if she had suddenly burst into an Andrew Lloyd Weber song, it would have made things better, but no such luck.

First Person: Emma"My first sexual experience will be with a woman, so it could mean a variety of acts."

This week's First Person interview comes from 17-year-old Emma, who writes a blog called Magical Diarism. She talks to us about Unitarian sex ed and the social pitfalls of being a "dykey-looking" girl. Please send us an email if you'd like to tell your story.

Tell us about yourself:
I'm 17, I live near the capital of Michigan, and I'm a bisexual female. I like any type of art, I spend a lot of time online, I can't wait to go to college, and I'm involved in my Unitarian Universalist church's youth group.

What is your definition of virginity?
I'm not really sure at this point, because I haven't had a reason to think about it. I've never even been kissed or been in a relationship. I imagine that my first sexual experience will be with a woman, so "virginity" could mean a variety of acts. To me, the meaningful part is the intimacy. I'd also consider non-penetrative sex with a man to constitute the end of my virginity... as long as it's good!

Why have you decided to stay a virgin?
The short answer is that hasn't been a decision. Some of the circumstances that led to it were choices–I focus on my schoolwork, et cetera–but I also am not really considered a sexy person by most people in my area and age group. I don't shave my legs because it's a stupid thing to do, and I give myself a haircut with my dad's electric razor, most recently with a 13mm blade. I wear cute dresses because I like them; but someone like me living around here, especially if I hate parties, isn't going to get a lot of people checking her out.

Another thing is that lot of my social activities either revolve around the church or around school. Unitarian Universalism is a religion that encourages a lot of openness about love and sex –I mean a lot; participating in our Our Whole Lives sex ed program was a life-changing experience for me, though I didn't know it at the time–but that doesn't mean that it's the best place to meet someone. I'm worried that I have some kind of undiagnosed social anxiety disorder that has kept me totally without relationship experience, although it's probably not true.

How have your dates/partners reacted?
I don't date. Again, it's not my intention not to date; I don't have the confidence yet to be the pursuer in a relationship, and the only people who've asked me out have been people I couldn't possibly imagine a relationship with, like people who were vastly overestimating the idea that we were even friends.

I realized I was bisexual because I had a crush on a friend I thought was straight, who later came out to me as bisexual. But she moved away, and I couldn't communicate how much I liked her before she left. I think I actually said it once, but she didn't know I meant it. But who cares about her? That was so long ago. I actually just met a cute bi girl who is so, so fun to talk to, but I know that I don't have the self-confidence to ask her out. Since I missed the experimentation phase because the stupid people I share a town with don't hang out with dykey-looking girls, I don't even know how to ask someone out. What do you say? What do you ask to do? I just don't have any ideas.

Any special plans or ideas for losing it?
I want my first time to be with another girl. I just feel like it'll be more intimate. This makes me not a true bisexual, I guess. I mean, I'd consider it with the right guy, but I just imagine it with a girl. And why not? I'm the one who gets to pick!

Anything else you want to say about virginity?
I know I'm a bit young for it to be unusual that I'm a virgin, but I really wouldn't be surprised, if this blog is still going when I'm 22 or 25, if I'm not still a virgin then. Plus most people at 17 at least have been kissed, made out or whatever. I'm not a prude at all - I don't think! - but my life is complicated. My friends who just seem to know how to express their interest in someone don't know what a great thing they have going for them!

What Feministing calls "the biggest piece of crap website on sex I've ever seen."

Feministing goes to town on the bad science, total spin, sexist claptrap and questionable advice. Then, for hours of fun, go to The Center for Women's Health and Sexuality at the Claire Booth Luce Policy Institute (artwork above) and see for yourself.

Feminist Sex Tips for First-Timers

The Times Online just ran this question in its sex advice column:

I am a 38-year-old virgin. After a very awkward situation at the age of 15 I have never tried again because I have been too embarrassed. I am now dating a lovely girl and would like to try. Where do I begin learning about how to please her?

This makes me so happy. First of all, hooray for this guy, who is not only going to have sex in the next ten minutes but is all about making it good for his girlfriend.

Second, sex columnist Suzi Godson recommends he read up on female sexuality and recommends–get this–several books with some serious feminist chops, including Our Bodies Ourlselves and Paula Kamen's Her Way: Young Women Remake the Sexual Revolution.

These aren't really how-to books, which I think is what he was really looking for (She suggests her book The Sex Book for that) but they're important because they talk about sex from a female perspective. With too many guys, everything they know about sex they learned from porn. What a disaster. There's a whole lot of difference between what women actually desire and what men project onto them as a reflection of their own desire. [A digression: It's like the guy in the adult film industry we interviewed last year who talked about how much porn actresses loved getting facials, somehow missing the point that these women were being paid to act like it was the best thing that ever happened to them.]

She also recommends Kinsey's Sexual Behaviour in the Human Female published in 1953, which isn't necessarily feminist, but it did wake the US up to the shocking fact that women had pretty interesting sex lives (and got Kinsey into a whole lot of trouble.)

Lastly, not only did Paula Kamen write a great book about young women's attitudes towards sex, she's also a super cool friend and longtime supporter of Trixie Films. Check out her other work here.

Books We Want: "The Lolita Effect"

The American Virgin recently posted our Mixed Message Roundup : stories of sexualization of very young girls in the service of consumerism.

Now M. Gigi Durham has come out with a book called The Lolita Effect: The Media Sexualization of Young Girls and What We Can Do About It. Alternet did a long interview with her and here's just a small excerpt on one of our favorite topics, the virgin/whore doublebind:

Girls have had to walk that line for quite a while now, where the emphasis is on being sexually desirable but immediately being condemned if they actually act on their desire.

Girls are expected not to have desires of their own. This has been a problem for girls and women all along: They have not been allowed to express their own interest in sex or express their own desires or seek their own pleasure for quite a long time. … It's a terrible mixed message, and it's almost impossible to achieve it -- to walk around projecting desirability but to never be able to act on it, never be allowed to engage in it.

One of the other problems is that because of this idea, girls aren't given good information about actual sexual activity. They are not given information to make them understand the risks and responsibilities, how to be in control, protect themselves against STDs, unintended pregnancies -- that's missing from the way they understand sex.

My only questions is why are they using a young hot girl in a come-hither pose to sell a book condemning that very thing? Isn't there another way to do this?

Dear Abby: Ever heard of contraception?

This question recently ran in Dear Abby:

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend "Adam" and I are high school seniors. We have been serious for only three months, but we've been dating for more than a year. He is sexually experienced, but I am not - I'm still the "Big V."

On prom night, I want Adam to be my "first," but because I have been disappointed in the past, I don't want to be left heartbroken. I love Adam with all my heart - he's all I want in a guy. But I feel torn about what to do. Should I go ahead and "seize the day"? Or should I make him wait? Please help! - TEEN GIRL IN THE GAMBLING STATE

DEAR TEEN GIRL: Your boyfriend may be a wonderful person, but to lose your virginity simply to celebrate prom night is not a mature decision. Sex carries with it responsibilities - and can result in unplanned "surprises," as the following letter shows. Read on...

I'll spare you having to read the whole the letter which is about a young woman who gets pregnant in high school, marries the father, has the baby, gives up an education at a prestigious university, basically feels she threw away her life. This cautionary Afterschool Special tale is, I guess, meant to impress upon TGITGS the utter irresponsibility of having sex with her boyfriend. See what happened to that other girl when she had sex??

OK. There are many reasons not to have sex, especially if it's because of pressure from someone else. And lots of people have less than magical first times, although it does get a whole lot better. But Abby's answer is right out of 1950s.

Dear, dear Abby: I hear there are things out there called contraceptives. I'm not exactly sure what they are since our school won't teach us about them, and advice columns won't talk about them either. But rumor has it that I can have sex and not get pregnant if I use them properly. Not only that, there are also some pretty good ways to protect me from STDs. Why are you keeping them a secret? When did you join the abstinence lobby?

If TGITGS loves and trusts her boyfriend and wants to see what all the fuss is about sex-wise, the advice Abby should give is "If you're going to have sex, protect yourself from pregnancy and STDs, so you don't end up forced into a life, any life, you didn't choose."

[Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.]

First Person: "I would love to have sex with someone I actually like, no matter the gender."

Another installment in our series of First Person interviews on virginity. We get a lot of stories through our comments and occasionally we share them here. Please send us an email if you'd like to tell your story.

I'm under 30, but I think that it is kind of a weird thing to still be a virgin when you're in your mid 20s. I know women who have and are still virgins, but they have those strong religious ties. I don't really have those reasons anymore (I did when I was teen, and I signed this stupid card that said I would only kiss boys "lightly" whatever that means. Oh, and sex was out of the question).

Since I've figured out that I'm bi. I would love to have sex with someone I actually like, no matter the gender.

But I'm still a virgin because I'm really shy, really scared, and I have a hard time getting close to people physically, not even on a sexual level. Also, I've always been focused on what I've been doing right now, not on relationships. (True story: Broke up with my first boyfriend because he'd rather snuggle than let me do homework.)

It's weird, but you get to the point to where you lie about sex for your friends or smile and nod at their stories, like you know where their coming from (no pun intended) when you have no idea what's its like. It's expected that you've had sex, and if you haven't, you must be really religious...or have vagina dentata.

Tell us how you define virginity, how you lost/kept it, and anything else about the v-word. Email your answers to info*at*trixiefilms.com.

Books We Love: "Woman: An Intimate Geography" by Natalie Angier

I just did a Rave On for Bitch Magazine's website:

“Rave On” is the Page Turner series that asks feminist writers, artists, musicians, activists, leaders, and scholars to talk about a book that completely rocked their world. Today we feature filmmaker Therese Shechter, creator of the documentary I Was a Teenage Feminist, on "Woman: An Intimate Geography," by Natalie Angier.

Go to the site to read more about this fascinating and inspiring book... Thanks to Ellen for inviting me!

First Person: Dana"I knew what to expect–that I would get on that plane at the end of the weekend and go."

This week's First Person interview comes from 26-year-old Dana, who wrote us a while back about being a virgin – and recently let us know that she was one no more. So, we invited her to do a First Person for us about it. Please send us an email if you'd like to tell your story.

Tell us about yourself:
I'm a 26-year-old straight female. I grew up in a liberal household, with an ex-hippie, onetime sex educator, feminist mom. No religious or social taboos about sex to be found. The general attitude about sex was just: be safe and do it with someone you care about.

What is your definition of virginity?
This is a complicated question, because for people of different orientations, with different options for sex, it means different things. For me, as a heterosexual female, it's penetration. I think that oral sex is still "sex," but especially as a woman with the potential first-time pain that comes along with vaginal intercourse, the sort of trust that requires, virginity is for me about intercourse.

Why did you decide to stay a virgin?
It's funny - my first response is "Oh, no, it was not my choice!" I never wanted to be a virgin through my mid-twenties. I did have chances to have sex in college and after that I didn't go for because I wasn't ready, either for sex in general or sex with that person. For a long while I wanted to lose my virginity in the context of a serious, committed relationship and I have dated people, but nothing serious or long-term. At some point I decided I didn't need a boyfriend to lose my virginity, but it still took a while to find the right person and situation. (I think actually finding the right person outside of that framework - as in, not my boyfriend - may have been what changed my mind about that.)

When did you lose your virginity?
A few months ago, at the ripe old age of 26 I spent a night with a guy I'd briefly dated a couple of years ago. Just after we'd gone out on a couple of dates, he'd moved to another town, but now almost two years later, he was here for a weekend for work. I still felt very comfortable with him, loved spending time with him, and trusted him. We didn't have intercourse, but we went farther than I'd gone sexually before. He said something about "You should come visit me in my town," and sure enough, my job took me there for a weekend a few months later. We agreed I'd stay at his place. I was nervous and also somewhat on a mission.

I got a lot of good, thoughtful advice from Scarleteen. Although I'm about ten years out of their target demographic, it was really helpful to read other people's experiences of losing their virginity. I don't talk about sex much with my friends, and definitely not about my insecurities about being a virgin in my mid-twenties. Hearing from women who ended up waiting and were totally fine–socially-adjusted, sexy, smart–was great. One thing I read was that you should tell your partner that you're a virgin in the interest of openness. If it's your first time, you want the guy to be a little more... gentle than he might otherwise be. So I decided he needed to know.

On my second night with this guy, in the middle of fooling around, I told him. Or rather, I stopped what we were doing, and sat there for about five minutes trying to get the words out of my mouth. I really hate the the phrase "I'm a virgin"–it makes it seem like virginity is your defining characteristic. I'm a person who happens to not have had sex. I finally got the words out (I think it was "I haven't had sex before") and we talked a lot about it. He was a remarkably sweet, open, communicative person–my instinct that I could trust him was right. And then, well, you get the idea.

He was concerned that it wouldn't be good for me to lose my virginity to someone I wouldn't get to see or date, that it would set me up to be hurt. But the fact is, and I told him this, a boyfriend who lives in your town can hurt you, too, and this way I knew what to expect - that I would get on that plane at the end of the weekend and go. It didn't have to be a bigger deal than that. Do I sometimes now feel really, really sad that we don't live in the same town? Yes. Would I miss him less if we hadn't had intercourse? No. The intimacy was already there. This was just another aspect of it.

I wondered if I'd feel different afterwards, like something major about me had changed, and for the most part I don't. Having sex was just another step along the gradual slope of sexual experience. This was just the one where you really ought to tell someone that what you're doing is new. I do feel freer now to pursue sex–now that there's no big-deal disclosure necessary beforehand–so I want to go out there, find people I like, and have sex with them and enjoy myself. That's my mission now.

Blogging vacation

Hi everyone! A note to let you know that I'm taking this week off from blogging but will be back at it next week. Look for a new First Person on Monday followed by more weird, funny, crazy scary stuff about all things virgin. And please keep sending me those awesome emails about virginity things you find in the news.

Thanks!

First Person: "Sex has lost its place as a natural part of living"

Another installment in our series of First Person interviews on virginity. We get a lot of stories through our comments and occasionally we share them here. Please send us an email if you'd like to tell your story.

I'm 21 and still a virgin. I was brutally sexually assaulted as a toddler and there are still physical scars from the assault, besides all of the mental ones. I don't feel that me remaining a virgin this long is something I would've chosen if not for the assault. I have a natural respect for sex itself and I'm quite open in talking about it and exploring it (with myself) but a whole bunch of neuroses I'm usually not aware I have come into play when the chance to explore it with someone else pops up. I have no problems being friends with guys (especially because of how hard I am to offend) but it becomes a different thing all together when the issue of sex comes up.

I think there's so much media focus on sex that it seems impossible to live without it, but I view it as a bit of a hype phenomenon. Sort of how seeing so many reaction videos to [notorious porn film] 2 Girls, 1 Cup makes you wonder what all of the fuss is about. Sex has lost its place as a natural part of living, and I think that contributes to all of the pressure to have a sex life and start early. It's been turned into a commodity to own.

I don't personally wish to go my whole life celibate, particularly because I seem to be a naturally sexual person and it seems that exploring my sex life will be the best way for me to heal from my trauma. I think that it's possible to live without sex, that people exist who are truly asexual and don't see the need for it or who have good reasoning for avoiding it.

Tell us how you define virginity, how you lost/kept it, and anything else about the v-word. Email your answers to info*at*trixiefilms.com.

"thirtysomething": sexist or something?

This is from a guest post I did for the wonderful blog Girl With Pen. You can click here to read the whole story.

There’s been a recent outpouring of hype now that thirtysomething’s first season is finally out on DVD. I loved the show because it reflected my own life at the time as a young single career gal surrounded by married and breeding friends. But the mirror it held up to me was warped and disturbing in a way I just couldn’t put my finger on … until I read Susan Faludi’s critique of the show in her 1991 book Backlash

In ‘thirtysomething,’ a complete pantheon of backlash women is on display–from blissful homebound mother to neurotic spinster to ball-busting single career woman. The show even takes a direct shot at the women’s movement: the most unsympathetic character is a feminist.

Click here to read the rest at Girl With Pen.

Sex + Young Girls: Mixed Message Roundup

It's been an especially banner week for the sexualization of very young girls in the service of consumerism. Do I even need, at this point, to write about how damaging it is to a young woman to be offered such a narrow vision of what it means to be a sexual person? That presenting very young women in this manner only fuels the belief that they are fair game for men? That most of this warped mixed messaging is done in the name of selling shitty shoes, shitty shirts and even shittier music?


Miley Cyrus at the Teen Choice Awards
It's weird enough that everyone's favorite virgin does a classic stripper drop around a big shiny pole while singing her song "Party in the USA." Weirder still is that said pole is attached to a colorful kiddie ice cream truck. As an aside–and this may be so wrong of me to say–but she's such a fail in the sexy department, she actually makes me miss Britney. If you can't see the video above, click here.


Hollister T-shirts
The latest in a long line of tacky clothing for, really, anyone. In the words of Jezebel:

'Young-trending mall brand Hollister e-mailed pictures of its new girls t-shirts, which the chain calls "Hot and funny." We call slogans like "LEGAL-ISH" and "The twins are quite a handful," marketed at 15-year-olds, gross and inappropriate.'

Candies' new abstinence campaign
This is the winner of a contest to design a catchy new slogan. "I'm sexy enough to keep you waiting" ?!? I don't even know what that means! The Candie's Foundation's mission is "to educate America’s youth about the devastating consequences of teen pregnancy through celebrity PSA campaigns and initiatives" which consists entirely of the same old worthless abstinence-only scare tactics. It's important for America's Youth have the tools to say no to unwanted sex. But hey - there is another way to say no to unwanted pregnancy, too: Being taught to use contraception correctly.

And in other news...
In order to end a spate of bad luck, and on the advice of his fengshui master, a Chinese man set out to sleep with 100 virgin schoolgirls. Over the course of two years he raped 36 girls, of which six were under the age of 14, and the youngest was only 12. Described as a "former member of China's national legislature and once wealthy entrepreneur from Henan province," he was recently executed by lethal injection for his crimes.

Meet Our Readers, Slightly Fewer Perverts

Every once in a while, the statistical department here at Trixie Films analyzes our visitor logs to see who's reading this blog. We've always suspected that half the people who land here are just looking for porn, so we apologize to the disappointed, not to mention sick, person who was searching for 'virginity first blood hot sex video' and found feminist commentary instead.

Although our first roundup yielded almost all porny keywords, this time we're happy to report some people are actually looking for us!!

Here are the most recent popular keywords that led people to this blog:

american virgin blog
the american virgin
the american virgin blog
american virgin porn
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Men and Feminism and Vinnie

Paradigm Shift recently held a very successful event in New York called Feminist Men: Increasing Visibility featuring one of our favorite feminist dudes Vinnie D'Angelo of Vinnie's Tampon Case fame. I heard he was the highlight of the event and I'm not surprised. He was super supportive of my film "I Was A Teenage Feminist" and our interview with him is one of my favorite parts. Check out the clip above, and if you can't see it click here.

Speaking of men and feminism, Bitch's latest Six Questions is with Shira Tarrant, editor of the book "Men and Feminism."

I caught a reading event in New York a few months ago and it's a fantastic and thought-provoking collection of essays. Written by men about their relationship to feminism, they represent a huge diversity of voices and honest experiences. Some essays are funny and some are heartbreaking, covering topics from domestic violence to hip-hop to being rebuffed from working with feminist groups to the conundrum of who picks up the check on a date.

Much of the focus of the Bitch interview is on violence against women. Says Shira:

There’s a huge problem in news reporting and media, more generally, where women are identified as victims, but men are remain invisible—as men—when they are the perpetrators. Jackson Katz talks about this a lot in his book Macho Paradox. There’s a huge difference between saying “a woman was raped” and saying “a man raped a woman.” The latter sentence is still very challenging for us to hear, because it calls out the person who assaults and removes women from the victim role.

This is a conversation that's important and long overdue. We should have more of them. So it shocked me to read some of the heinous comments that were left for the Bitch item: Anger, obscenity, frustration, the lowest of trolldom. My first thought was 'Why are these sexist dudes even reading Bitch?" but my second was maybe it's good they at least know the book exists.

As one commenter said:

And all of us - even the guys who posted here, I dare say - have women in our lives that we care about. These women face sexual harassment, sexual assault, and sexism every day of their lives. For their sake and ours, we guys need to speak up against sexism and constrained gender roles.

First Person: Matt "Moving to Indonesia gave me a whole new perspective on virginity."

This week's First Person interview comes from 28-year-old Matt Higgins, an American journalist based in Indonesia . He talks to us about what women really want, virginity testing in the police force, and why newspaper reporting and a love life don't always mix. Please send us an email if you'd like to tell your story.

Tell us about yourself:
I am a 28-year-old, heterosexual male – born and bred in the American Midwest but moved to Southeast Asia to cling to the dream of working in newspapers. On top of being a virgin, I've never been kissed and haven't managed so much as one date in the past 10 years.

Mind you, that's not a plea for help or an attempt to foist blame for my situation on others (like those truly frightening YouTube videos Dan Savage linked to recently). My foibles are my own and of my own doing. I knew back in high school that being a reporter at a daily newspaper would entail long, strange hours and likely preclude any chance at a social life, and yet years down the road, here I am, still in the game.

Why? Because this is what stirs my passions. Staring at a blank page every day with the chance to create, inform and entertain is still irresistible. My profession may not last forever – heck, it might not make it to the end of the month at this rate – but as long as I have this, I'm OK with being alone. When it's gone? Well....

How do you define virginity?
Every person, it seems, has their own line of demarcation. In my mind, you relinquish your V-Card upon consensual vaginal or anal penetration (if, however, it is taken against your wishes, a mulligan is more than justified).

Oral sex isn't quite as cut and dried. It is a form of sex, but I can understand how one might still consider themselves a virgin despite having engaged in oral. As long as it's done in moderation (37? In a row?), I see no problem with that.

Why have you decided to stay a virgin?
It wasn't so much a decision as it was just how things played out. I voluntarily gave up my nights and weekends when I got into the business, and having mostly worked on smaller staffs, pulling six-day and/or 50- to 60-hour work weeks is not uncommon. When you work while everyone else plays, it's hard to be social.

Lately, I've been wondering if I'm not social because I work so much, or is it I work so much because I'm not social? I've never been good with small talk (I much prefer to listen and then ask questions – shocking for someone in my line of work), and things like flirting and body language are utterly lost on me. At least when I'm interviewing someone, I have a clear, defined goal of getting the other person to open up and express more than just the usual yes/no/basic facts responses. As long as I have that goal in mind, I can do what I need to do without coming across as a complete nebbish.

Once I lose that, though, and I'm on my own in a social situation, things – as Lewis Black would say – take a turn. A reporter who manages to survive and thrive despite a complete lack of social acumen ... I'm not sure whether that's hilarious or sad.

Any special plans or ideas for losing it?
Not really. I used to tell myself that waiting for marriage would be my way of retaining my honor and showing my prospective bride that I thought so highly of her that I was willing to wait however long it might take to find her.

That, perhaps not surprisingly, turns out to be bunk. Most women – or at least the intelligent, strong, capable ones to whom I am attracted – don't want a white knight riding to their rescue on a shimmering steed. They want a similarly intelligent, fully formed man who is confident and comfortable in his own skin. Being a "Nice Guy" just means they don't run screaming at your presence, and keeping yourself "pure" in anticipation of the already over-hyped Wedding Night doesn't mean jack – especially if you don't have anything interesting to talk about in the awkward silence that will inevitably follow.

**Ahem** Sorry, got a little rant-y there. Where was I? Ah, yes – not really. If it happens, odds are you won't hear me complaining. If not, I'll know why. I'll just keep stumbling along while my peers all stay conversant in the Things You Should Know About Dating By Now (TM).

How have your dates/partners reacted?
You can count the number of people I've told about my virginity on one hand. Reactions have varied from mild surprise ("I didn't know people still did that.") to dismissiveness ("Then you got no chance with me, buster.") to the old stand-by ("I just assumed you were gay.").

My family does not fit into that one hand, incidentally. My two younger siblings and I never had any of The Talks (drugs, sex, etc.) – when asked, our parents' response was always, "You're smart. You'll figure it out." I don't feel compelled to share this with them, and none of my friends are close enough to where I'd feel comfortable sharing such information ... perhaps that's why this all flows forth so easily on the Interwebs.

Anything else you want to say about virginity?
Moving to Indonesia gave me a whole new perspective on virginity and women's issues as a whole. One of the first stories I read when I arrived was about how women were now allowed to serve as police officers ... provided they kept up with their cooking, sewing and beauty classes and passed their monthly virginity checks (!). The only thing that stunned me more than that revelation was how everyone around me just took it as a matter of course. I thought of myself as open-minded and sympathetic to the cause of women before, but seeing the way women and girls here are subjugated now makes me viscerally angry.

As for virginity: This may sound odd, coming as it does at the end of all this yodeling, but it's really not that big of a deal -- or at least it shouldn't be. Whether or not your genitalia have carnal knowledge of another set of genitalia has next to no bearing on your status as a person. The sooner people wrap their heads around that, the sooner we can move on to something important – like the lack of communication and emotional intimacy that persists despite people having more ways to speak to each other than ever before.

I've gone 28 years without sex, and I imagine I can wait a while longer. What I don't want to miss, though, is that emotional intimacy, that feeling of being able to implicitly love and trust someone else and have them feel likewise toward you. That's probably a trickier and more time-consuming pursuit, but it's also more rewarding than worrying about who's stuck what in whom and how often.

Report from LA: You Need a Makeover

Our summer partner-in-crime, Australian filmmaker Dianne Ellis, filed this report for us from LA:

I.
While I was in Santa Monica, I came across a TV crew doing some street interviews. I believe they were from E Entertainment doing a “Who wears it better” segment. The interviewer asked an older man his opinion of which out of two women wore a similar outfit better, but when he gave his answer, the interviewer screwed up his nose and said “Well why don’t you just say the other woman wears it better.”

When the man didn't agree, the interviewer said “Well just for the heck of it just say so and so wears it better.” The man wouldn’t budge. The interviewer kept on it at him and eventually exasperated said “I need you to say so and so wears it better!” He eventually wore the man down until he agreed to say this!

The same thing happened again for another set of photos. The man then signed a release and walked off as the TV crew got ready to interview their next victim, at which point I walked away too.


II.
Kelly Clarkson recently did an interview for Self magazine entitled “Total Body Confidence” where she mentions that she is happy with her size, but guess what: They photoshopped her on the cover to look much thinner. So much for Total Body Confidence! I wish they’d stop asking women about their diets. I’d much rather hear about their music or movie tastes.

That same week I was watching The Rachael Ray show, and surprise surprise it was a makeover show. The first victim, ahem, guest, was shown in her 'hideous' before state with what her sister deemed “caterpillars eyebrows.”

The woman looked fine to me - even Rachael Ray her eyebrows were fine – but the makeup artist said those eyebrows needed work. So even if other women think you look OK, you still don't. I wondered what kind of person would tell her sister she had eyebrows like caterpillars. No one asked the obvious question: “Why is your sister such a bitch?”

III.
All of this constant scrutiny of appearance made me think of a survey I just read, which more or less said that men were happy to sleep with any woman whether they find them attractive or not. I'm pretty sure that if I went into a bar tonight and asked every guy in the bar if they would sleep with me someone would oblige. I doubt a man asking a similar question of women in a bar would have as much luck, unless of course he looked like Brad Pitt, even then he’d probably get his face slapped a few times.

We women seem much fussier about a man’s appearance then men are about a woman’s appearance, so why is the media so obsessed about with the way women look? Shouldn’t there be shows about men trying to perfect their appearance to get women to sleep with them?

Sex Education FAIL

[Via Miss Cellania]

First Person: Lilith "I lost my virgnity three different times"

This week's First Person interview comes from 21-year-old Lilith, who writes a blog called Sexual Buzz. She talks to us about recovering from trauma, how she defines virginity, and the ways in which sex can bond us to others. Please send us an email if you'd like to tell your story.

Tell us about yourself
I’m a 21 year old average female. I consider myself ‘heteroflexible,’ primarily attracted to males but not opposed to the idea of being with a women. I come from a conservative catholic family and we don’t talk about sex ever. I never even got a ‘use protection’ talk or ‘wait till your married’ talk and to this day wonder if my parents ever suspect I’ve had sex. Away from my family I’m much more liberal and open minded about sex and even recently started a blog about various things including sex.

What is your definition of virginity?
Since I have many GLBTQ friends I know the ‘penis in a vagina’ definition is not a good one for everyone, however if I had to define it in concrete terms for me and other heteronormal couples I would say sex is either vaginal or anal penetration with the penis. Using tampons and sex toys doesn't count, and I don't think anal sex is a loop hole. I gave oral sex before having sex and still considered myself a virgin at that point, although I know for many people that’s a gray area.

Why did you decide to stay a virgin?
I never decided to stay a virgin till married, however I also always knew it was something I wanted to be special, and I didn’t want to lose it during a one night stand but at least to someone I was in a safe long term and loving relationship with eve if they weren't 'The One'. I was frustrated because for quite awhile I felt like a very sexual person and was ready to sex, but wasn’t able to maintain a serious relationship long enough to be comfortable with them. Some of the guys I dated left after finding out my number was 0 and realizing I wouldn’t get ready to have sex for awhile. But I wasn’t ready to have casual sex like many of my friends.

When did you lose your virginity?
It’s hard to explain but I think of 3 different times when I think of losing my virginity. My first sexual experience was sadly date rape from a slightly older ‘mentor’ student during my freshman year of college. While at his house he drugged me, then took me back to my room, and had sex with me. I only remember unpleasant flashes of it but I know he penetrated me, thus according to my own definition taking my virginity. However, I never consented and after recovering from the incident I found I continued to identify as a virgin, partly because I didn’t even feel attached to my body at the time. However, I still struggled with the idea that he may have taken my ‘technical’ virginity.

Later I began dating someone and eventually felt ready to have consensual sex and truly lose my virginity to him both physically and spiritually. However he had some health problems and we were never able to consecrate the act fully due to problems on his part which prevented any penetration, yet I had be willing and we had tried several times so I felt that I had ‘given’ some part of myself to him, perhaps my ‘spiritual’ virginity.

Eventually when dating someone else it finally happened, we had actual penetrative sex that I agreed to. The first time was a little awkward and mechanical and just sex, but later it became making love. I told him the previous stories, and for the most part I believe we both consider him my first, just with a tiny asterisk next to it (in conversation I find myself saying, "John Smith with my first... sort of"). Generally I think of this is the ‘true’ time I lost my virginity.

Anything else you want to say about virginity?
In the end I think it’s everyone’s right to define sex and virginity as they want. I also have no problem with people who want (safe) casual sex. I just know for me sex is special and tied to emotions very strongly, a not just something physical my body is doing. Each time I ‘lost it’ I went through some difficult emotionally changes, partly because a word I had define a part of myself as my entire life was now gone. At times I wish my first time was all magical, in a field of flowers and ending in 5 multiple orgasms like I was lead to believe, but I don’t regret it. It was what it was, I can’t change it, and it has lead me to where I am now, having sex with some I love, and it truly has deepened and enhanced our bond in unimaginable ways.

Born-Again Virgins, Vampire-Style

Throwing a whole new wrinkle into the 'How do you define virginity?" conundrum was a recent episode of "True Blood" in which Jessica found an unexpected barrier to relations with Hoyt.

Clip is here, courtesy of io9.com.

Since Jessica, who was 'made' by Bill in season 1, had an intact hymen at the time of her transformation, no matter how many times she has intercourse and breaks it, it will always grow back. Something to do with the innate regenerative properties of vampire blood, I guess. Jessica and Hoyt, not surprisingly, have different views on the matter:

Jessica: It grew back! Everything heals when you're a goddamn vampire!
Hoyt: It'll be beautiful. Every time will be like our first time.
Jessica: It'll hurt like hell! I'm a fucking deformity of nature. I'm going to be a virgin forever!"

In a world where virginity = intact hymen, I guess she's right. Which means she'll easily pass muster with the many dangerously-misguided people who subject women to virginity tests all over the world (despite her whole undead blood-sucker thing)

By the way, being HBO-challenged, I just finished watching the first season on DVD. I had to wade into Season 2 episodes I really shouldn't be seeing yet to bring you this report. The things I do for you loyal readers...

First Person: Yarn"Love doesn't have to show through sex"

This week's First Person interview comes from 19-year-old Yarn, who lives in Malaysia and writes a blog called Reflection of You and Me. She talks to us about the importance of respect, her concerns about STDs and why she thinks her wedding night will be so sweet. Please send us an email if you'd like to tell your story.

Tell us about yourself:
I'm a 19 years old Chinese girl, Yarn. I know most of the people about my age had lost their virginity. Yet it doesn't influence me to follow the trend. Somehow, I stand strong for my own viewpoint and hold my virginity until the day I get married with the love one.

What is your definition of virginity?
Virginity is the first time. When a person said he/she lost his/her virginity, it means that the person lost his/her first time by having sexual intercourse with another person. In other words, a virgin is a person who does not have any sexual experience with another person.

Why have you decided to stay a virgin?
Virginity is very important for Chinese, especially female. If a person married with person who is not virgin, it will drop their family reputation. I'm still a virgin. Why I choose to be virgin? Virginity is just like balloon, one poke and it's gone. Why I don't keep it for my beloved one? It is so precious. Giving it to a stranger or just friend, what if you pregnant? Condom? Condom only 99%, you still have a chance to get pregnant. If get pregnant, my dreams will gone. And who is going to be responsible for the baby? What about STD (Sexually Transmitted Diseases)? These
diseases usually transmit via free sex. If after marriage, it means you will go for a body check-up before marriage. It is safer. But what if premarital sex? You do not ask the person: "Hey, if you want to have sex with me, go for check up first and bring the report to me." Do you say that?? Stay virgin is actually a way to protect myself and my future partner.

How have your dates/partners reacted?
Hey, if you love me, you have to respect me. If you already manage to stay with me forever, why can't you wait until the day we married? Love doesn't have to show through sex.

Any special plans or ideas for losing it?
My first marriage night. It's gonna be so memorable and sweet. Because I lost it for a person who loves me and will take care of me. Romantic. We waited so long just for that day to come. Get married, first sex to each other and have our own family.

Anything else you want to say about virginity?
Sex couldn't last forever, when you get older, you can't afford for that. But true love will make life better. I believe life without sex could be happy and enjoy too. I had attend a workshop about
virginity. The only way to protect yourself, not getting pregnant or STD, is only abstinence. It works for 100% safety. Sometimes, virginity is a good instrument to test who really cares and loves you. Let's say, one guy come to you and say he loves you, you are the only one for him, could you have sex with him. Well, if you say no, I want to save my virginity until I married and he just hates you for that, he is not sincere to you. Oppositely, he accepts and is willing to wait until the big day. Congratulations, he is a person you can have as a life partner. Remember that, when a guy says "I love you" he might mean "I want have sex wit you." Girls should learn to protect yourself.

Revisiting "The 40-Year-Old Virgin"

We're doing a lot of research on films about virginity loss, so I recently saw 'The 40-Year-Old Virgin," a film I hadn't seen since it was in the theaters. It was one of my faves that year, but I wondered if after working on a film about virginity, I'd have a different take on it. I ended up laughing out loud like a fool for most of it, which is embarrassing because I was in the middle of the Y at the time.

What really struck me, though, was how sweet it was. The chemistry between Steve Carell and Catherine Keener's characters was lovely. It was also great to see the Paul Rudd character obsessing over an old girlfriend, playing a role women are usually assigned. My gym buddy M. says the film reminds her of all the guys she went to MIT with. I think it's a great film on a lot of levels. So, I'm wondering:

Since we've had some comments from older virgins on this site, what do you think about the film? Is it in any way your experience? Love it? Hate it? Let us know...

First Person: "Let me make my first million and I'll have time."

Another installment in our series of First Person interviews on virginity. We get a lot of stories through our comments and occasionally we share them here. Please send us an email if you'd like to tell your story.

I'm a straight 41-year old virgin male. How I got to this point in my life is a long story. (Hey, it's 41–soon to be 42–years worth of "baggage.")

The Cliff Notes version: I'm Asian, so as a kid growing up in "White" America of the late 60s, early 70s, I was pretty much ostracized. (Vietnam, Remember that little "police action?")

By the time I reached "dating" age (high school and college), I pretty much held to the notion that "education" in preparation for a GREAT career was EVERYTHING--and the ONLY THING that "mattered." In high school, I went to specialized, "magnet" school where most of the study body commuted, via NYC subways, every day.

And college was pretty much the same... I, along with all the "friends" I "hung out with" were all about studying and getting "the golden ticket" to a great career. So, by the time I was in "my prime" (the mid- to late-20s) it was all about the career. "Let me make my first million (dollars) and I'll have time."

Add to all this that I'm a devout born-again Christian and really do hold to a personal belief that sex is something special to be shared ONLY with someone who is truly a "soul mate"... And, well... let's just say that at this point in my life, I still haven't found that "special someone" yet. Corny? Maybe.

But I look around at my "peers" in my age bracket who, by now, have gone through one or two or more marriages and well... Just what exactly did I "miss"? During the wild 80s and 90s, there was too much emphasis with sex (Get it as soon as and as often as you can and damn the consequences!) and not so much on the "relationship" side of things.

Which leads me to wonder... Why is it that a majority of the focus is on old male virgins? Where are all the older female virgins? What is up with that?

Tell us how you define virginity, how you lost/kept it, and anything else about the v-word. Email your answers to info*at*trixiefilms.com.

Feminists don't hate men? Tell that to the guys in Times Square

[Above, a clip from my doc "I Was A Teenage Feminist". If you can't see it, click here]

Feministing reports on a new study by University of Houston's Psychology of Women Quarterly that looks at feminist and 'nonfeminist' attitudes towards men. The abstract says "Contrary to popular beliefs, feminists reported lower levels of hostility toward men than did non-feminists."

"Our work finds that, indeed, non-feminists believe in traditional gender roles such as men being breadwinners and women being caregivers.

At the same time, these non-feminists actually appear to resent the confines of the traditional roles they advocate, which presents a paradox for women and men in traditional heterosexual relationships," says researcher Melinda Kanner.

I'm with Jessica in wondering whether I should be thrilled or annoyed that this study was even done. But the stereotype is so persistent, it wasn't that hard to catch in on video.

The above clip from my film "I Was A Teenage Feminist" which also lives on YouTube. The comments are worth a read – a good chunk are charmingly obscene and illiterate. Check out the fun for yourselves!

If you want to see the entire Trixie Films channel, and maybe leave a comment of your own, it's here.

Dan Savage's tough love for older virgins

This week's Savage Love column is all older virgins, all the time. The letters come from three men, aged 26, 45 and 60, all virgins and all mightily unhappy about it. Here are some excerpts:

26-year-old: Due to my being overweight, awkward, and generally unable to attract women I'm actually interested in, I have only been sexually intimate with prostitutes and women of low caliber. I have never been able to sustain an erection during intercourse.

45-year-old: I have no explanation for how I fucked up something this important this badly for this long, but here are my best clues: (1) Deep down, I don't think I've ever really believed women could possibly find me attractive. (2) For me, being rejected and/or humiliated after approaching someone is an almost paralyzing fear. (3) My professional/career/financial situation is only slightly better than my romantic/sexual situation: I'm always either barely getting by or in some crisis where staying non-homeless is my only priority.

60-year-old: I never learned how to date. I considered paying for sex, but I decided that was the equivalent of admitting that I was a failed human being. Now I spend my days consumed with loneliness, resentment of the past, and a constant longing for a hint of intimacy. Longevity is a family trait, and I expect to live into my 90s. Is there any plausible way to salvage something from this mess?

Yow - this is really depressing stuff (and what exactly does 'low caliber' mean?) Dan basically tells them all to get over themselves, offering unvarnished feedback including, respectively: Join a gym; find a shrink and perhaps a friendly sex worker; get checked for mild autism. That's not all of it, but you get the idea. It's interesting stuff, plus there are loads of comments, many supportive or commiserating, including:

My fiance was a virgin until this year, and he's 33. After one short lived relationship, he met me, and we're engaged and fucking like rabbits!

While there's not "someone for everyone," as Dan says, most people - less successful people - fall into someone else's "type." Even if you don't see how anyone could love you, put your best foot forward and don't freak out if you do get a little interest.

My [Asperger's] diagnosis doesn't wash away any of my myriad failures, but it does explain a lot of them. It also really helps my relationship with my family. And it also helps me cut myself a little slack, making it that little bit easier to get on with the rest of my life.

How to write an effective personal ad

Because of a misprint in her personal ad, Hannah Miller, 25, of Letchworth, UK, was inundated with responses. The ad identified her as a virgin, instead of a Virgo.

"Last night as the Celtics were losing the game, I was losing my virginity"

Trixie Films intern Courtney writes about sharing our secrets:

I always find reading other people's secrets interesting, but secrets about virginity are much more enticing. Inspired by the Post Secret blog, here's a site that has a section of secrets dealing with virginity.

The secrets range from light-hearted virginity stories to more serious events:

Everyone thinks I am a slut but I am a 20-year-old virgin.

I'm having a really hard time accepting that I'm "that girl." The girl who lost her virginity to someone who meant nothing, and then never heard from him again.

The only reason I am still a virgin is that I like the idea of telling my kids one day that I only had sex with the one woman I so dearly love.

I, like many others, could sit for hours and read secrets from these strangers, but why is it so easy to have an obsession with other people's secrets? Personally, I think it gives us all a way to connect, with someone else who is struggling with the same issues as you (still being a virgin perhaps), or just seeing a funny secret that you share with someone. It's another way to make the world feel a little smaller:

I'm afraid that I wont ever get the chance to have "my first time" before I die. My only boyfriend lasted about a week, and even though deep down I want my first time to be special, I JUST WANT IT TO HAPPEN ALREADY. So that I can say I’m not a virgin anymore, is that stupid?. I think it would be a free feeling. Maybe it will happen, and maybe it won’t. You know that feeling of missing out, because it seems everyone around has already done it. When is my time, and why do I feel the need to rush it when I’m only 17. Be patient?

Writing these secrets can be a therapeutic experience. It allows people to express how they feel in an non-threatening environment on their own terms

I'm a 19-year-old virgin, but I lie to my friends about it and say that I've slept with 4 people. I just can't face being the only virgin in a group of people.

I was raped. Not only did he steal my virginity, but he made it so I am no longer able to say that I am STD free.

Sometimes its just fun to know you're reading something that the person sharing the secret has never told anyone before:

I lost my virginity at 13, and I don't regret it.

Thanks to the Virginity Project for the link.

2-D Love: A disturbing reaction to lack of experience with relationships and intimacy

In the Old West, it is said a cowboy paid far more for a photo of a naked woman than a night with a real one. The same impulses seem to be at work here, and the Japanese are not alone:

After three years together, they are virtually inseparable. “I’ve experienced so many amazing things because of her,” Nisan told me, rubbing Nemutan’s leg warmly. “She has really changed my life.” Nemutan doesn’t really have a leg. She’s a stuffed pillowcase — a 2-D depiction of a character, Nemu, from an X-rated version of a PC video game called Da Capo, printed on synthetic fabric.

This is from a New York Times Magazine article about the romantic relationships Japanese men and women have with inanimate objects such as body pillows (left) and figurines.

According to the article, the rise of 2-D love can be attributed to the difficulties young Japanese have in navigating romantic relationships. A government survey reports that more than 25% of men and women between the ages of 30 and 34 are virgins. Called moe, this fetish seems to appeal strongly to men who want to express passion without fear of being judged or rejected.

There's been a lot of online freak-out about this story, but from the letters I get from older virgins, I can tell you it's not just life in Japan that fosters these sorts of feelings. Older virgins in the US carry a great deal of embarrassment and shame about their lack of relationship experience, and that leads to massive social awkwardness and a desire to hide.

Yes, there's a lot of creepiness that borders on child porn, but you don't have to be into moe for that. There's a huge manga culture that feeds into those impulses, and it's enjoyed by an alarmingly wide range of consumers. At least the people into moe have a support group.

Some of our own first person stories are here and here. They're sad but they're also real.

The Onion: True Lunch Waits

From The Onion, a hilarious article:
Study: Abstinence-Only Lunch Programs Ineffective At Combating Teen Obesity. Some excerpts:

"There's no evidence to suggest that instructing teens not to chew, swallow, or even think about food is actually going to stop them from eating," Sebelius told reporters. "Let's face it: Kids are already eating. And not only during lunchtime. They're eating after school, at the mall, in their parents' basements. Pretending like it's not happening isn't going to make it go away."

"Although these students were repeatedly warned about the evils of eating and made to take fasting pledges, the abstinence-only program did little to curb their overall appetite for food," the report read in part. "In fact, students at Woodbridge were nearly three times more likely to develop type 2 diabetes than children who were given a portion of meat, whole grains, and green vegetables, and then encouraged to skip dessert."

Perhaps more troubling, students who completed the abstinence-only program were reportedly unable to answer the simplest questions about their own digestive systems, and some as old as 17 still believed they could catch high blood pressure from their very first Snickers bar.

"I'm never ever going to eat, because eating is wrong, and I'm worth more than a chicken sandwich with asparagus and rice pilaf," Woodbridge seventh-grader Tracey Holmes said.

"It's really hard, though," Holmes added. "I get so hungry sometimes. Especially after hours and hours of unprotected sex.

First Person: RevaI'm quite open about my sexual thoughts and desires

This week's First Person interview comes from 19-year-old Reva who writes a blog called Girl Who Got Bored in Canada. She talks to us about her Indian upbringing, the appeal of the single life and being "intellectually whore-ish." Please send us an email if you'd like to tell your story.

Tell us about yourself:
I am a 19-year-old university student. I have never had a serious relationship in my life and I am a virgin.

How do you define virginity?
One can technically define virginity as a not having had sexual intercourse, but I don't see either the state of being virginal or non-virginal as having some characteristics intrinsically associated with it.

Why have you decided to stay a virgin?
I could ponder over many of the psychosocial reasons for this state, but at the end of the day, it doesn't really differentiate me from the biggest sluts or studs as a person. I don't really think much about my virginity to be honest, because I don't think having sex will change me as a person. I think we are past the day and age when losing one's virginity was a rite of passage. With the information age, and the increasingly greater emphasis on the individual, I feel like virginity or the loss of it is an invalid concern to understand a person.

I guess I should provide some context as to how I was raised to think about virginity. My parents, being moderately liberal Indians, weren't big on arranged marriages or religion, however, they told me to be consistently "careful" with matters of the heart or the body. I don't know what they meant by it, but they insisted that I didn't do things that would make me "sick". This made me a big prude for a few of my teenage years. Later, I cast off that prudishness, and became way more open-minded and accepting of my own sexuality. That helped me become a more easy-going person.

In my social circle, I'm quite open about my sexual thoughts and desires, as are most of the virgins who I hang out with. A lot of us have been career-minded freaks with no patience for womanly ways or charms, we have turned into this group of overgrown tomboys who are sometimes really horny. We talk about it. We talk about our masturbation habits. We seldom feel like we are missing out on much because we aren't getting laid. Mind you, we are probably an unfortunate bunch of outliers. I guess intimate romantic relationships haven't been near the top on our list of priorities.

I have a lot of male friends who I am equally open with. Many will say that I don't really feel romantic feelings so much, because I have never been treated like a woman by a man. I don't expect to, or want to be treated according to my gender. The few serious romantic feelings I have had in my life towards men are rooted in an intellectual attraction. I've been intellectually whore-ish as long as I can remember, and it seems it's probably gonna be the only way I would ideally like to get physically laid in.

Since I was a child, as I have written in my blog recently, I romanticized the idea of a single life with other single people. While I no longer fantasize about living in a convent, I admire the bachelor lifestyle that a lot of college students live. It will get old one day, for sure, but I enjoy how it helps me grow as a person. I feel a bond with every person I have shared living space with, gotten drunk with or had an intellectual debate with. Being with someone will probably take away how much I cherish each and every individual so much, and I am sort of afraid for that.

Any special plans or ideas for losing it?
I do yearn to be in a relationship. Sex can come in the context of it. I am not the one for random one night stands, unless it involves massive instant attraction of intellect and some sort of pseudo-spiritual connection. I am still unsure. I don't have many regrets about what I have been through so far. Despite having no luck whatsoever in love, I feel confident and positive about myself. I don't hold back and I am usually easy to get along with. For now, that is enough for me.