Some excellent questions from one of our readers:
Other than "I'm a virgin," (which I hate, with its noun-ness, it's definition of a person by their sexual history) how do you say to a potential partner: "By the way, I haven't had sex before." What are some options?Defining virginity is always problematic, and I'm growing more and more dissatisfied with the phrase "losing your virginity" and recently heard a great alternative*: Making your sexual debut. Wouldn't that sound so much more sophisticated at the moment of truth? And you could define that debut any damn way you pleased.
Looking for terminology that's not purity- or virginity-based, on the less-of-a-big-deal, don't-freak-out side of things.
Also curious about thoughts on not telling a potential first-time partner, and just doing it. Is that deceitful? A bad idea? Or reasonable privacy? (Like, is there the same "should" about telling someone it's your first time having oral sex?)
I had no intention of telling my first partner, but he figured it out really fast (due to the fact that I had no idea what I was doing). And he was pretty unhappy about it too. Contrary to the virginity pornographers and religious zealots, men want women with some experience (but not too much because that would be slutty...groan...that's a whole other post)
What do you think? How would you say it? And do you think it needs to be said at all?
*From Shira Tarrant at the fabulous Feminist Sex panel at Bluestockings Bookstore in New York. I think she had heard it somewhere else so I'm not sure of its origins. A review of the event is here.
7 comments:
I heard Leonard Cohen interviewed recently about the sexual nature of his lyrics. He pointed out that he's now advanced in age ... and "I don't get invited into that garden very often any more."
Some people haven't been to the garden yet.
I struggled with this same problem. I hate the terminology of virginity - "I'm a virgin," as if that defines you, or "losing my virginity," as if it's a thing you have and then is gone. I ended up with "I've never had sex before," but I think "This is my first time" also works - it's straightforward, true, without any of the weird baggage of deflowering and whatnot.
I don't have a problem with the word "virgin" but I do have a problem with the term "sexually active", as if your some machine that hasn't been turned on yet (no pun intented). Isn't is possiable to be sexually active but be a virgin?
I see the weirdness of that term, but of course that gets back to how you define virginity, right? If it's about 'penis in vagina' then you can be as active as you want and just not do THAT.
Lesbians can be extremely sexually active and still be considered by many to be virgins because they didn't do THAT.
In fact, one women successfully auctioned off her virginity in the UK despite that fact that she was in a long-term intimate relationship with another woman.
If you're with someone whom you want open communication, I think "I've never done this before" is a good, non-loaded phrase. None of the icky "deflowering" connotations, no value judgements of gain or loss, just a statement that this is not an activity you've particpated in yet.
If, however, you're with someone, and you don't belive it's any of her/his business, but don't want your possible awkwardness to "give you away" (as it were), a simple "I don't have a lot of experience" should be sufficient.
I'm also very curious about the story behind that photograph...
Although I do not think you are obligated to tell your first partner that you have never had intercourse before, I think that it is to everyone's benefit if you do. I don't think being a virgin is anything to be ashamed of, it's just a part of who you are - the person your partner wants to have sex with. I would hope that even if you are not in a relationship with the person you have sex with for the first time, you are comfortable enough with that person to be honest about where you are at, and trust that your partner will treat your honesty with respect. If you can't expect your partner to be respectful even if they are a little shocked by your lack of experience, maybe you should not be having sex with that person in the first place.
I concur with "I've never done this before" (this pertaining to the activity you are about to engage in).
As far as telling your partner, I do not think NOT telling is deceitful, as you arent interogating them about how many people THEY have been with. If someone has been sexual with 2 persons, they don't necessarily feel the need to tell person #3, so why should you have to tell person #1. If they ASK and you LIE well that is another story all together. Everyone is entitled to privacy, and unless the information affects them (i.e. an STI/STD etc) you shouldn't feel bad for keeping it to yourself. I surely didnt!
I like the term "sexually active" as it includes activities people may not associate with "virginity" (i.e. oral and anal sex) yet allows health professionals to get accurate information.
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