Cross-Post: If women can say ‘no’ to sex, why can’t men?

Our friend Rachel Hills has a wonderful blog called Musings of an Inappropriate Woman. This recent post caught our eye because it's an issue we think about a lot (See this First Person for a great essay from one of our readers.) Here's Rachel's post:

Probably the most interesting post (certainly the most popular) I’ve published here this year is this one, interrogating the idea that men are uncontrollable beasts who want sex anytime, anywhere and will do anything to get it.

It’s a stereotype that excuses men of committing sexual assault (“he couldn’t control himself!”), whilst making it inconceivable to imagine them as the victims. It leaves them no room to have doubts or not feel ready, to want to engage in sexual activities other than intercourse, or simply not to feel like it on a given night.

For women, who are socialised to invest a significant part of their self-esteem in their sexual attractiveness, it can play out in ugly ways: insecurity, paranoia, and the kind of behaviour that would be considered completely unacceptable were the roles reversed.

This isn’t just a matter of mismatched libidos. It’s about the highly gendered expectation that men are “up for it” all the time (when in reality they’re complex human beings not all that different to women), and the misconception that there’s something terribly wrong - whether it’s with the man or the woman - if they’re not. I’d be interested to know how the issue plays out in same-sex relationships as well.

I’m now working on an article inspired by the post, and am looking to speak with young men and women (aged 20-30) who have been in this situation. If you’re interested in taking part, drop me an email at rachel.hills@gmail.com or leave a note in the comments here.

Rachel Hills is a writer, researcher and contributor to publications like CLEO, Vogue, the Sydney Morning Herald, The Age and NewMatilda.com. She's also writing a book about Gen Y, sex and identity.