Update: This has been a very popular post, generating comments and private emails. So we're going to post it again hoping more people find it.
Also, we've started a new series called First Person to share your thoughts about losing/keeping your virginity right on the blog. Check it out and email us yours, anonymously if you prefer, to info*at*trixiefilms.com.
Thanks to one of our readers for linking us to a Salon article about Roger, a 49-year-old male virgin dealing with his intimacy issues. He worked with a psychotherapist and sexual surrogate and his journey is pretty fascinating. From the article:Roger is not alone. There are no studies on the prevalence of virginity over 30, but many of the nation's sex therapists report a small, steady stream of older-virgin clients. During 23 years in practice, California psychologist David Johnston says he's counseled 50 middle-aged virgins, collaborating with various surrogate partners. "One was 72. A few have been women. But the vast majority have been men in their 30s or 40s."
Our reader highlighted this quote, which I think echoes a lot of the emails we've been getting on the subject:"Every older virgin has a unique story," Johnston explains. "They run the gamut from terrible shyness to emotionally barren families to sexual abuse. But all older virgins feel terrible shame. They feel embarrassed and humiliated by their lack of relationship experience." Age 30 seems to be a line of demarcation. "By 30," Blanchard explains, "older virgins feel so socially awkward and out of sync with the world around them that they choose to hide."
One of the most interesting parts of this story, for me, was Roger's reaction to having sexual intercourse for the first time: "The intercourse itself was not that big a deal," Roger explains. "I mean, I was glad to have it. I was glad I wasn't a virgin anymore, that I'd finally 'done it.' But I didn't need it more than once. Our whole process of becoming physically intimate and talking about it was much more important to me. I felt freed from some of my shame about being so naive and confused about sex.
April 13, 2009
"I was a middle-aged virgin"
48 comments:
I turn 50 this year, and my situation resembles the guy's in this Salon story. I talked to a sex therapist in 1997 who tried to sell me on a course of treatment with a sexual surrogate, but (1) I couldn't afford it; and (2) the thought of a strange woman touching me in her professional capacity invokes a strong sense of aversion in me. I honestly don't understand why people find my situation so strange, though I suppose I could interpret their puzzlement & incredulity as a back-handed compliment of sorts. But women have their own minds, and they don't to do anything I ask of them sexually.
markplus@hotmail.com
"But women have their own minds, and they don't to do anything I ask of them sexually."
Hi Mark - Thanks for your comments on this. Curious what you mean by that last comment? It's an interesting way of describing a physical relationship.
Oh, I have some sardonic ways of describing my experiences: Women walk around me because they can't walk through me; I have the amazing ability to induce situational chastity in otherwise promiscuous women; things of that sort.
I mean, however, that nobody has a right or an entitlement to sexual relationships. Around the time I turned 30 I examined the trends in my life and saw that sexual relationships just did not look like a realistic goal for me. For one thing, I have the sort of personality that turns off most women; a number of them have told me over the years that they find me "cold," whatever that means. For another thing, sex had receded as an extreme luxury compared with the task of trying to make a living from the low-wage service jobs I couldn't seem to transcend even with a college education (a bachelor's degree in mathematics). The year I turned 30, I attended graduate school at Oklahoma State University and volunteered for a campus sex survey as a male virgin. I tried to explain my perspective to the undergrad who interviewed me, an 18 or 19 year old coed named Hollis Cantrell, who clearly didn't understand what I told her and focussed on my weight. (At age 18, I weighed 170 lbs., stood 5'11" and had a full head of hair. Girls wanted nothing to do with me then, either.) As I recall, she took the position of viewing sexual relationships as some kind of necessity, probably because she had no difficulty in finding boyfriends.
I looked up the sex therapist I knew (the one I mentioned in my first post) in the late 1990's because I had an opportunity in 1994 for a sexual experience which turned out badly for me and which now seems like a "freak accident" because it happened for unusual reasons. If I had met this woman conventionally, she probably would not have offered to have sex with me.
Sex therapists might hold a philosophy along the lines that my "well-being, as a whole, authentic person necessarily includes" attaining some standard of sexual fulfillment. But where do I go to claim this right or entitlement? In the real world it clearly doesn't exist.
I might add that a sexual relationship might put me into a situation where a woman could exploit me, humiliate me or accuse me of something illegal. My consistently bad experiences with women have made me unlearn my early socialization to think better of them than I currently do.
Im a 40 yr old male virgin(soon to be 41). I have never been with a woman, never even touched a female. I have a successful career as a driver and make a good living. I am decent looking, but for most of my life I felt so socially inadequate and battled shyness. I never could feel confident enough around women to ask them out or even engaging in coversation. The desire though is still there. And I hope that one day I will break that shell of fear so that I can live a full life.
I dont have the money for surrogates, but I think its time for me to get a good therapist.
Anyways, Im glad to knowe Im not the only one.
Thanks very much for writing and sharing your experiences. Please keep in touch and let us know how you're doing.
Hi folks--I'm a 53 year old male virgin. Many factors lead me to this state of celibacy. I'm Catholic, I never had a car or real dating money until my early 30s, my parents NEVER encouraged dating or relationships for me or my siblings-(6 of us in all), no girls ever showed any interest in me, I was shy, and to some extent my family was dysfunctional and emotionally barren. I've had 5 dates in my life, and all of them were a waste of time. They were emotionally traumatizing since I started so late, I had no clue as to how to behave. None of the people I ever wanted to see again. Being celebate is not the WORST thing that can happen to you. In my case I developed a mild porno addiction and used masturbation since 15 to satisfy my lustful feelings. Today most of that is gone. I find most women simply don't like men today. Once you get past 30-35, if you are still single, it was probably what God intended for you. Sadly some of us just won't get any offers for intimacy and we may also lack the skills to get anyone interested in us as well. Read the book Save the Males. I learned to accept what happened to me, and I'm glad I'm not stuck with kids I didn't want or a marriage I don't enjoy. Many married people have told me repeatedly I'm lucky to be single and not to change it now. I'll never know until death it this was God wanted for me or not. It's happened, and all I can do is deal with it one day at a time. There is no fairness in the dating world, and lots of fine people just won't land a partner. Drop the self-pity and shame trip--it's done.
Thanks for your post! Would you like to do a First Person for us?
The format is like this and it will get your message out to lots more people.
http://theamericanvirgin.blogspot.com/2009/02/first-person-loretta.html
i am a 39 year old male virgin , because i look very odd, physically very odd actually.
you would laugh at me if you saw me on the street , many do.
But i do wonder what it would feel like to hold a girl's hand or hug one.
Age tempers your sex drives a lot. I think this culture pushes people into sex far too soon. No one wants to get left out, so often people pick partners based on availability not COMPATIBILITY. The net result is a high divorce rate, tons of social problems, abortion, unwed moms, fatherless America and so on. It's tragic America has let itself become such a pathetic disaster when it comes to mating, dating, and marriage. In a country so rich we should be doing much better. At 53 I don't feel any more sexually desirable than I did at 18. If anything, I'm on the downhill slide. Women's lib has evolved to the point, where men are no longer necessary in their lives. They can have careers, families etc. all without having a man in the picture. Most are going that way. In my case I learned too late all these truths. I hope the readers of this blog wise up sooner than I did.
Found this blog through a Google search... I'm a straight 41-year old virgin male. How I got to this point in my life is a long story. (Hey, it's 41--soon to be 42--years worth of "baggage.")
The Cliff Notes version: I'm Asian, so as a kid growing up in "White" America of the late 60s, early 70s, I was pretty much ostracized. (Vietnam, Remember that little "police action?")
By the time I reached "dating" age (high school and college), I pretty much held to the notion that "education" in preparation for a GREAT career was EVERYTHING--and the ONLY THING that "mattered." (In high school, I went to specialized, "magnet" school where most of the study body commuted--via NYC subways--everyday. And college was pretty much the same... I, along with all the "friends" I "hung out with" were all about studying and getting "the golden ticket" to a great career.)
So, by the time I was in "my prime" (the mid- to late-20s) it was all about the career. "Let me make my first million (dollars) and I'll have time."
Add to all this that I'm a devout born-again Christian and really do hold to a personal belief that sex is something special to be shared ONLY with someone who is truly a "soul mate"...
And, well... let's just say that at this point in my life, I still haven't found that "special someone" yet.
Corny? Maybe.
But I look around at my "peers" in my age bracket who, by now, have gone through one or two or more marriages and well... Just what exactly did I "miss"???
I agree with the previous Anonymous poster. During the wild 80s and 90s, there was too much emphasis with sex (Get it as soon as and as often as you can and damn the consequences!) and not so much on the "relationship" side of things.
Which leads me to wonder...
Why is it that a majority of the focus is on old male virgins? Where are all the older female virgins?
What is up with that?
"Why is it that a majority of the focus is on old male virgins?"
Because in the real world the men who can attract numerous women who want to put out for them gain status relative to other men considered less sexually desirable. In primate bands, the alpha males copulate first and more frequently with the estrous females, while the lower status males either do without or have to wait until the alpha males become sexually exhausted or find something else to distract them. Middle aged male virgins lack the key component that justifies their status in the male dominance hierarchy, even if they succeed in other areas like their careers, accomplishments or personal wealth.
Ironically Christians worship a 2,000 year old male virgin. I have to wonder if the speculations about Jesus' marriage to, and conjugal relations with, Mary Magdalene, derives from the cognitive dissonance between Jesus' status as the ultimate alpha male and the Gospels' silence about whether he ever demonstrated that he had the goods to justify the male human part of his exalted state.
Getting back to that Salon article about working with sexual surrogates, I wonder how many guys who learn how to perform sexually with a surrogate leave it at that because they have other problems which still make them reluctant to pursue sexual relationships. That one adequate sexual experience just suffices to earn them the membership card in the men's club, so to speak, without the need to do other things to affirm their slightly improved status in the male hierarchy if doing so make them uncomfortable.
I thought about that while getting my first root canal and crown on my upper right second molar a few weeks ago -- basically the first dental work I've needed in my life (at age 49) because I never had any tooth decay as a child, teen or young adult. Before I couldn't relate to my peers who've had a history of dental work going back to their childhood, so it occurred to me now that I can claim my unproblematic root canal as an overdue rite of passage -- preferably one I don't care to repeat, not because of the discomfort I didn't feel in that procedure, but because of the expense per tooth (~$2,000).
So, I speculated, how many middle aged male virgins who have worked successfully with surrogates claim that as something not unlike my analogy with the root canal?
I feel extra geeky this week end, so I have another partially baked speculation about problems with the artificial loss of virginity through a prostitute or surrogate.
The overwhelming majority of men lose their virginity "organically," so to speak, in their teens or early 20's, resulting in a spontaneous order that nobody planned. And once that happens, it usually leads men to have a series of sexual experiences consistent with what we consider a normal man's sex life.
The men who miss this supposedly organic stage in their psycho-sexual development, by contrast, who try to make it happen artificially years later with a prostitute or surrogate, may not get the results they want -- namely, the ability to start a normal man's sex life -- for reasons analogous to the inability in most cases to get a centrally planned economy to work.
In other words:
Organic loss of virginity with some girl or woman you encounter socially = spontaneous order like the free market.
Artificial loss of virginity with a prostitute or surrogate = attempt at a forced or planned order like a government project.
I'v enjoyed the comments I found in here. I'm the 53 yr. old who has posted twice. I always thought once I had money, then my time would come. I was totally wrong. My net worth is over 350,000, and still growing. While I feel proud of that, I realize it all came at a terrible price. I never really enjoyed my life.
I never had a partner or a lover, had resources been available to me earlier in life along with a family who encouraged to date etc. who knows what might have happened. The terrible ifs will haunt me the rest of my life.
One girl on the net told me"" you'll be having sex with yourself for the rest of your life." What a great putdown, and I'm sorry I can't smash her face open. Virgins give off clues or signals that they are not initiated into the real world of sexuality, and if they don't handle it before 40, they will end up carrying shame, guilt, and embarrassment all their lives. I only feel good about one thing, I can drop out of the system anytime I want. This is a luxury most folks--even the hot babes out there will never have. Everyone ages out of the dating mkt. sooner or later. My time is long gone, so I must become philosophical about it. I can't change a thing. If you choose to hide as I did, eventually you are left all alone to rot by yourself. It's not the place I'd want anyone to end up.
Well, as a 43 year old bisexual virgin male, I'm doubly frustrated. Some of the psychobabble is a bit over the top though. Sometimes people don't have a "sexual radar". In my case, a conversation with a woman was just that, a conversation. It was not a pretext for sex. Some of us, like myself never get past the intellect to see the physical.
Don't get me wrong, if I had it to do over, I would've gotten laid.
Apparently too, the older and more embittered you get as a virgin, the more self loathing and guilt you transfer to the very people you could have intimate relationships with. I have great sympathy for feeling like an outsider, but there's a bit of woman hating going on here too and that is a great tragedy.
There's no blame on anyone for their circumstances here, certainly, but if not being a virgin and having a relationship with women is something some of you are interested in, (and it really isn't the most important thing in the world, really) there's going to be a certain amount of trust and potential for great pain that you will be opening yourself up to. Everyone has to go through it, and everyone has their horror stories. Women as a group don't hate you.
IMO,no one is owed a relationship or sex, lets not act like the problem is independant women or men not being manly enough. I believe the problem is paralyzing social pressure on both sexes to behave a certain way sexually and socially, and the inability to trancend those issues based on personal experiences.
If sex is important to you, and only if it's important to you, you try to suss out what is the problem preventing this act and why it effects you and then try to deal with it in the best coping method available to you. Blaming yourself and others for being alone is a bad way to cope. Circumstances didn't work out so far, OK, it's not too late to try and get them to work out now if you want to.
You're obviously not alone, and so many people want to help. Therapy is a wonderful thing if you can find a practicioner you are able to trust.
The book everyone needs to read is: Save the Males by Kathleen Parker. America has a man hating culture. This as much as anything makes it tough for BOTH sexes to find a partner and engage in loving relationships. I've endured it all my life, and many other men in middle age can recall American society being much different 40 years ago. Women looked for husbands. Today they look for careers first, and husbands/families come last.
Im a 41 yr old virgin. The reason is I am 5`4. Women have never asked me out or even noticed me(Thats right never had a date). I`m just not that good looking. Unlike some though, I am determined. America is very heightist. Many European countries arent. If I have to go to these countries to know what it feel like to touch a woman on the hand or arm;maybe a simple hug(let alone sex), I most certainly will. I wont give up!!
Hey
I've found your posts really insightful!
I'm currently developing a documentary on sexual surrogacy in the US and would be really keen to talk to any guys who are virgins who have an opinion on the subject. Would you ever go to a sexual surrogate / therapist in order to lose your virignity.
You insight would be really appreciated - please feel free to contact me [in confidence] at alice@firecrackerfilms.com / 310 309 3942
To all guys out there under 40 who are still virgins, find out what is keeping you off the dating market. There has never been a better time to meet good women, but you must take the initiative. Don't end up with a lonely loveless and sexless life like I did. The choice is yours, so don't blow it. I'm 54, and I've aged out of the dating market. Don't let my story be yours. Case closed.
Well if you are in your 40`s or even 50`s, its not too late. No matter what age, you have to work at it. But being that I am a 42 yr old virgin, will have to work a little harder. A little work for some happiness though is certainly worth it. I may never have kids, but if I can get a companion to share my life with so I dont have spend my holidays alone, I would feel blessed!
After reading all the interesting comments here, I feel compelled to tell my story. Have patience; it's a long one. I am a 43 year old male virgin, soon to be 44. My story is quite different from the others I've read here in the fact that my virginity is actually the tip of a much larger iceberg. To begin with, I consider myself good looking and grateful for the fact that I look younger than I am. I'm 6'1", 174 pounds, full head of hair (so far), somewhat muscular with little body fat. Also, I don't consider myself shy. In fact, I can meet strange people anywhere (men or women) and strike up a conversation about anything. I think the first part of my problem stems from my past. What I am now is the opposite of what I was. As a child, I was heavily A.D.D. In fact I was borderline autistic and in a world of my own. But back then (the 70's and 80's), there weren't the treatments for those disorders that there are today. As a result, I attended normal public schools, which I was totally unprepared for. So I was the kid who always had his head flushed down the toilet by the school jocks. But worse than that was the fact that many of the people who hurt me the most were girls. Anyone who is familiar with the peanuts comic strip and remembers how Lucy and Violet treated Charlie Brown knows what I'm talking about. I have no doubt this early negative experience with women shaped my attitude toward them. When I reached 14, I decided to do something about my physical weakness, so I began working out. I had gained physical strength, but was still socially inept. So the abuse continued through high school. Looking back though, I now believe I had mistaken some of the genually friendly gestures made by my classmates for hostility. But after spending my entire childhood being abused and made fun of by both boys and girls, it became hard to tell the difference. Also looking back, I now believe there were some girls who would have been with me. But I was too busy thinking about survival to pay too much attention to them. I also thought to myself, "what would people say if this hot girl (and some of them were hot) was caught going out with the school geek?" After I graduated high school, I hoped things would get better. I was started to develop social skills, get over my childhood shyness, and girls were starting to pay "the right kind" of attention to me. Some of them were actually older than me as well. Then the bottom really fell out of the barrel. At the age of 19, I was diagnosed with a very rare liver disorder. I would explain that in detail, but that's a topic unto itself. There were treatments available, but it was one of those things where the treatment is worse than the disease. There were many side effects which in my case included speech impediments, dexterity problems, excessive sweating and salivation, and difficulty swallowing. To summarize, just when I was getting over my shyness, I was given new reasons to be shy. But the implications were much deeper. My dexterity problems made me disabled and unable to earn a living. That's where I am today. No longer shy or weak, and now, not only do I accept my differences, but embrace them as well. But still unable to earn a living even though I'm now a college graduate with a combined 11 years computer programming and database design experience under my belt. I'm also very angry. I'm somewhat angry at women, but mostly angry at God. In fact, I must confess, I look forward to dying so I can kill my creator. There's more, but I think I've talked enough
Anonymous 10/22/09 9:07 PM And you dont give up either.
What is hard being a virgin at my age(42) is that people, who have seen me for a a while become aloof. They see that I am never with a woman over the years, and they just kind of back away. Theyre civil and friendly, but they dont want to get too close.They probably think Im gay or something like a predator. Case in point: I just bought a house 8 months ago. The neighbors used to be friendly, but since they never see a woman around, they dont talk anymore. And thats why never give up. Finding a companion is so important for you psychologically, but also socially.
Just get yourself a professional...
That's what they're there for, lonely, pathetic guys and busy guys who don't want a relationship.
Those ladies do deserve to make a good and safe livelyhood...
Just be safe and smart about it--keep everything covered.
You guys lack confidence and it holds you back in ALL areas of your life, not just sexual.
Really, sex is not such a big deal unless your not getting any--sort of like food or sleep.
You're not bad guys for being virgins--in fact I know one guy who brags about picking up women at bars and using them, then throwing them away. He is a first class jerk and even other guys don't like him. He has to brag about sex because he has nothing else going for him. Guys like you would probably treat those woman better.
In fact, to the guy with a mathematics degree, you are far smarter than most of us. It is lack of confidence that is holding you back.
I am not disrespecting you guys, really trying to help.
Confidence--how do you measure that? Our system beats you down pretty early in life. That's why it's so vital to have a loving and supportive family as a child. In my case my large family was simply not a functional and loving base of support and encouragement for anything. If you love kids or have kids of your own, be available for what they truly need--security, support, and strength--money, gifts, toys, etc. is all BS.
A kid needs someone to give him/her the foundation of love so they may be able to love others. If you don't feel loved, you won't risk trying to love anyone out there. That's I'm sure a real key as to why I've been a virgin for 54 yrs.
Anonymous 2/26/10, thanks for sharing. How do you cope?
SWAB, appreciate your contributions.
How do I cope with all these years of being alone and living a sexless and loveless life? Answer: I'm a workaholic. I learned that from my parents, and it's never gone away. I rarely take a vacation, if I do, I find some chore or project at home to do. I don't go out at all anymore, and I have a tiny circle of friends left--maybe five people or less. I learned long ago to shut down emotionally, and it's a mask I wear. I did the worst thing you can do: I refuse to make myself emotionally open to someone. You can't find love unless you give it a chance to come in. It's tragic, and for over 30 yrs. I wonder what made me this way. I guess it was all those hurts I endured as a child. The best way NOT to get hurt is never put your heart on the line. Eventually your heart becomes like stone and it dies. I truly believe I won't be alive until after death, if I do join God then, then I might have just a taste of all the love and intimacy I missed in this world. I'm one of many millions I'm sure who just didn't find love along life's way. Again my life is a red light warning out there--DO NOT END UP HERE!
Thanks for the reply. I find myself in the same situation (mid-twenties). It's kind of funny, my interest in the subject is more psychological than anything else. I think about it (like who doesn't?), but it really doesn't bother me anymore. What you've said about putting yourself out there is true.
Regards.
I've posted several times, and this should be my final one. Thanks for listening folks. As I review my life, I can see the few chances I probably had to lose my virginity. The problem was I really didn't want to sleep with that person. I'm not a saint, but I do have some standards. A tramp is a tramp, and sleeping with one doesn't make me feel any better sexually speaking. I do think parents really must sit down and do ALL they can to help their children have positive and successful dating experiences as teens. If they don't they are trusting to luck or fate that their child will find someone. Anyone who lets their child hit 18 without having a date should be charged with abuse or neglect. They are setting a pattern in motion which can lead to terrible consequences for their child in adulthood. A teen MUST learn social skills and relating successfully with the opposite sex early on. At that stage, you have plenty of dating material to work with. Just 5 or 10 years later, many of those prospects will be GONE.
You won't get a second chance to be young or have so many choices available. At 54 it's a TOTAL nightmare to find one decent date prospect anywhere in America. I quit 9 yrs. ago. The frustration and aggravation and the pathetic date
choices I could scrape up were appalling.
It's not a case of hating women either. It's a case of finding out too late how much baggage lots of folks picked up, continue to carry as they went along. You either carry it with them or keep looking. I had to stop--it was just awful.
The disappointments just wore me out. I also found many older women became bitter, angry, hostile, and had no sense of humor. Life just hasn't worked out well, and any guy coming along now is going to pay dearly for approaching them. If I ever date again, my age limit would be no one over 40. I can't get women that young, so essentially I'm defeated before I start.
That's an easy out! Again time is your biggest enemy. Date young, keep dating, and by 30 you will either be with someone, or not, had lots of sex or not. If it's not happening by then, you are in for even more disappointment and rejection later on. Sorry but that's how it works out for most folks. Guys have some edge since they are usually fewer in number as time goes along. Women outnumber men as the group ages up over time. Good luck folks! Virginity as you can tell from my posts is NOT a state to be desired. It's what happens when you fail to care about your sexual needs and work at meeting them.
I can't blame anyone for that. I had many years to get in the right line, and I let my fears, shame, and lack of social skills persuade me to stop trying. Eventually you become reclusive, cynical, a loner, and misanthropic. It's a very nasty end to what might have been a happy life.
Lori Gottlieb author of Marry Him, a terrific book, said 80% of the women polled want a man 6 ft. tall or taller. The problem is only 15% of the male population fits in that height range. So you have 80% of the women seeking only 15% of the men out there, and we wonder why so many decent guys get overlooked. Case closed. Who ever said women were rational or intelligent when it comes to dating. What they're really saying is -"your DNA isn't good enough for me--sorry". Somewhere I read biology is destiny--I guess it's true.
Anonymous - I'm really sorry you're having a tough time in the dating world. As someone who found her partner later in life, I can relate to what a long and sometimes frustrating road it can be.
Having said that, I have to say something about your theory. Most women I know did not think Marry Him was a particularly good book. Neither did I. It's full of pop psychology tailored to fit Gottlieb's very questionable thesis. I would take pretty much everything she says with a giant grain of salt - and find the source for her data!
But aside from that, who ever said women OR men were always rational or intelligent when it comes to dating? Standard cultural beauty norms can be powerful, but it cuts both ways. Lots of 'decent girls' get overlooked as well. Ask most plus-sized gals about their dating adventures.
But at the end of the day, it's still about some undefinable something that brings two people together. I'm pretty sure part of that is comfort in your own skin and good humor - and leaving the anger and bitterness at home.
Like I said, I'm genuinely sorry you're having a tough time of it - but I really don't think it's about you DNA not being good enough.
I'm a 35 yr old female virgin from the UK. I was abused as a child and can pretty much say I've never been given to much affection in life, so guess I don't deserve it/need it. But I do know I want it. I've had boyfriends but none I've wanted to sleep with, I know I am scared of being hurt and let down - as I trust few to none people in life. I rarely see an attractive man so I do know I'm picky and Ido have high standards for loyality etc....but it's all based on what I've never had and want.
I'm OK but get very lonely at times. I do generally feel men don't see me.
Wow, I do see a lot of woman hating going on here. And its relatively sad. I'm in the same boat a lot of you guys are in, except I'm a 37 year old woman. Yes I have tons of baggage and trust issues obviously.
I can identify with Mr Anonymous 11/30/09. I was him all through out school except in female form. It was brutal. I definitely think I had some autistic like symptoms and was a social misfit.
So then what do you do when home life isn't much better and somewhat confirms the treatment you get at school, you focus on rising above it right? The career..because if you can just be successful then maybe people will see your worth, right? You focus on it to the detriment of everything else, so you graduate with a masters degree around 26 years old, then you immediately start work where? Where you started out, in the place that scarred you enough that you don't have the courage to date anyone there even if they'd give you the time of day.
By then you're humiliated anytime the topic comes up. (And lets face it the topic of sex comes up everywhere!! You're never safe from it! EVER. It comes up in the most non sexual environments its truly amazing the fascination and focus people have on sex.) So you avoid it like the plague, which also means anytime there is a potential date you have to worry how do you eventually confess that to a potential partner w/o coming off like a "freak".
Add to that body image issues and feeling uncomfortable in your own skin. Its not a lack of desire to have sex, its overcoming and trusting enough to feel you wont be looked at as a weirdo.
Now, I have to also confess, I dont want to have sex with someone unless I love them, or at least REALLY like them. I've only met a couple of people like that so far, and unfortunate for me, I was invisible to them. So, what are you gonna do? One foot in front of the other and try to survive. Be nice to thrive once though and not worry so much on survival. lol
I'm a 37 year old male virgin. Like an earlier poster who came from an Asian family, so do I. My parents moved from India to NY in the early 70s, and I was born and raised in NY. As a kid, dating was out of the question in my parents traditional household, but they did not mind mixed-sex groups.
When I went off to college, I did not really know how awkward I looked to the opposite sex with my skinny body and thick glasses. As I am sure was the case with other men, this lack of physical attraction allowed women to talk to me as if I was neutered and no worries about sex would come up. When I started dropping hints that I would like to be more than just friends, then they would stop hanging around.
This pattern repeated itself throughout my adulthood, and I found an expensive habit in phone sex. I did not kiss a woman until I was 26. I think she may have wanted to have sex with me, but she gave mixed signals - the most prominent of which was she had a boyfriend, and I could never picture myself as "the other man".
Marriage was not that important to me, because my parents had a pretty rotten marriage, and I swore that I would do whatever it takes not to wind up like them. For a long time, this meant I would not consider Indian women as potential girlfriend material, because I was worried they would turn out to be like my mother. At this point, even if I wanted to date an Indian woman, I'm at a disadvantage due to my financial situation and the fact that I will soon have to become a nearly full-time caretaker to my aging parents.
I keep mulling over all this missed opportunities, and how I am getting fewer opportunities as I get older. I'm considering an escort, just to get it over and done with.
- Ted
Readers might be interested in this post we did in May about men who hired sex workers to have intercourse for the first time. It's here:
http://theamericanvirgin.blogspot.com/2010/05/letters-from-johns-men-talk-about.html
I'm a 49-year-old virgin, now engaged to a wonderful man. Frankly, I've always enjoyed my virginity; it made me "different" from most everyone else. Not once have I felt ashamed, guilty, embarrassed, or, in any way, a social misfit. Rather, I'm a woman who made my own choices and respected my body too much to offer the precious gift of "me" to the wrong man. Retaining my virginity has given me tremendous self-confidence because it means that I've been able to keep my sexual desires in check until meeting Mr. Right.
Although I've always been perfectly content with celibacy, my feelings changed after meeting my fiance. Within a short span of time, I began to desire emotional and physical intimacy with him and am looking forward to the day we marry and share that special kind of love.
I don't think the issue is as much about losing one's virginity as it is about finding someone with whom you're willing to make an emotional investment and lifetime commitment.
....YOU ARE GOING TO BE A SAD OLD MAN...That was what a white south African,my 1st white buddy,told me when he leant that at 30 I was without a girl. I wonder what he would have said if he knew I was a virgin.I am 37 now and still a virgin in Nigeria and to be sincere its killing,terribly not just because one is a virgin,but because of the loneliness one feels. I think and believe strongly that it has to do with self esteem and confidence. I figure that most of the people here are good looking and handsome and had enjoyed and still enjoy been glimsped or stared at by the opposite sex some time ago like I did. Am 6ft 7 and good looking. But what I have in my looks I lack in my self esteem and lots of factors contributed to that ranging from the fact that I was too tall as a kid-people used to say I was "long" and not tall! Lol....Another reason and worst of all was that I had an abusive father who emotionally almost wrecked me and my siblings. Well I urge us all to not lose hope and not lose our virginity to some slut dickened slut. I have promised God that its gonna be me and my wife alone,that am gonna marry right. And please don't pray to die to kill your creator,I believe He has plans for us all. I best or worst I have touched on a woman's body is her "chest". The woman's body is electrifying and heavenly but the feeling of knowing the fact that one has a girl that he really likes is equally electricfying,heavinly and desirous. Nicholas nickrex2000@yahoo.com
This breaks my heart, reading all of the comments. I am a 49 year old virgin as well, and I hear so much despair and pain from you all, it makes my soul ache. I wish to heaven that there were something I could say to give you hope. I have no answers for our situation, either. I just know I am so sick of being like this. I just wish my life were over so I could quit feeling so sad. But, I have to keep going; I do have people that depend on me and I will never take "that option" out of life, but it is so hard getting motivated to get up some days...what is the point without love?
i can relate to most of the comments here. in my case, i didn't even masturbate until age 37. just didn't know how and learned one day at a massage parlor, the first one i ever went to......that was age 36. was still too fat to do it on my own, but after six months and a LOT of running, was able to. just even discovering masturbation was a like a new life. had always heard about it since age 15 or so, but just never knew how. lot of abuse also. my life sucks bad too. wish daily i was dead.
I recently had sex with a friend who was a 31 year old virgin.We gained a pretty close relationship and he felt comfortable enough telling me about his problem of still being a virgin.In fact,he had never even been kissed before.
I just couldn't imagine living life without love and sex,which have always been very important to me.His biggest issue was being shy,as he was not unattractive.He had a real issue approaching women and an even bigger one initiating any kind of sexual act.
I decided that I was going to help him,and when he came over one day,I kissed him.
The first time was very awkward,but we have been seeing each other since then and he is like a different person now.He has confidence,and is a good lover.
He just needed a woman to be the one to make the first move.Now,he has no problems making the first move with me after experience.
I'm sorry so many of you guys have had bad experiences with women.We are not all the same though.I know that I cared a great deal for my friend,and I wasn't going to let him go on being alone anymore.
I can understand some of the opinions against a sexual surrogate though,but I hope you men don't give up.There is a woman out there for all of you.
Anonymous 3/2,
Thank you for posting that. Your friend is very fortunate to have such a compassionate woman in his life.
Good on you, Anonymiss (3/2). Would that there were more women like you in the world.
Im 34 good looking tall fit, and only had a brief sexual encounter ten years ago, my confidence is affected by fears of performance of the actual sex act, and worry about my lack of experience at my age with a woman who would have had a lot, and not fulfilling her, I will try to find a surrogate to help learn to overcome my fears I cant wait to start, what a great article and idea, as i was always timid of prostitutes too.
In my opinion being a middle ages male virgin is not a real problem ( I have met such people in the past all normal),except you are addicted to pornography!
The more you think about being a middle-aged virgin, the more you will feel sad about it. Maybe the answer is to focus on something else altogether...
I am a 32 year-old virgin and I already feel the same way as many other posters on this site. I feel like I've missed the best time to pursue a relationship and that there is no longer a woman around my age group who is available. Slowly but surely, my friends hook up one by one and no longer have time for me. Obviously, this is very depressing and I do feel bored and lonely from time to time.
But I think we need to realise that we are hereby admitting that we are now being dictated by social norms and how we feel about ourselves is dictated by how other people look at us. Why does it have to be like that? I feel pretty sad about it too from time to time, but it makes me feel stupid that I am letting others dictate my life. My stand has always been simple: if I can get myself a girl, excellent. If I can't, I'm not fussed either, I will learn how to live the rest of my life as a virgin, no matter how sad and depressing it may sound. Go out and live your life! Get a hobby, go travel, pursue your personal life goals (unrelated to women)! If I desperately want to know about this fundamental life experience called sex, I will hire myself a prostitute and be done with it.
I have met a very interesting man recently, but I can't seem to get through to him. From our interaction, I can tell that he is not very experienced with women. I don't think he is gay, i don't think he has a girlfriend, but I can't tell if he is interested or not. I wonder if certain events in his life have caused him to shut down emotionally. How can I get through to him without scaring him away?
A sign of affection - that is what will bring a man out of his shell. Men such as myself, who have been repeatedly spurned by women, learn that we cannot make the first move, although more attractive men can.
- Ted
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