First Person: D "There’s also so much silence surrounding sexuality in my religious [Jewish] community. "

This week's First Person interview comes from 25-year-old "D," who, until she found our blog, "was pretty convinced that I was the only woman in her mid-twenties who had never had sex." Yeah, we know the feeling. Thanks for contributing to the blog, D!

Please send us an email if you'd like to tell your story.

Tell us about yourself:

I am 25 years old, female, heterosexual, and a virgin. I consider myself to be a very religious Jew, but if you have any kind of image in your head of what a religious Jew looks like, I won’t fit any aspect of it.

How do you define virginity?

Any below the waist penetration (I realize that is a rather hetero-normative definition, but that's how I define it for myself). I’ve actually had oral sex, and personally didn’t feel like I was doing anything more significant than adding an extra-fun part to making out.

Why did you decide to stay a virgin?

I often ask myself the same question. It’s probably a combination of growing up in a traditional society, combined with the fact that I’m a late bloomer.

While my religious upbringing was relatively liberal when it comes to observant Judaism, premarital sex has always been taboo; my parents, who are relatively liberal in many other respects, will still occasionally say things like having premarital sex is morally wrong, or will doom your relationship to failure—after all, why would a guy consider marrying you if you’re having sex with him anyway? I don’t agree with them, but that attitude still has an effect.

The result is that on the one hand, I’m a huge feminist and a staunch believer that women should be free to express themselves sexually, but on the other I have this fear that if I have premarital sex I’ll “lose value.” There’s also so much silence surrounding sexuality in my religious community. I know so many traditional but modern Jews who are having sex, but no one will talk about it, and everyone pretends it isn’t happening. So there’s a lot of confusion and stigma.

Growing up I had crushes on literary characters and movie stars, but it never occurred to me that the men in real life could be sexually interesting until the middle of college. I had my first kiss when I was almost 22. Sexuality is a new and somewhat scary area for me, and I need to know that the person I finally do have sex with will be waking up with me many mornings afterwards.

How have your partners reacted?

I haven’t been with anyone long enough that it’s been necessary to break the news. But it does make getting into things a little more fraught; I tend to imply that I’m more sexually experienced than I am, so I get nervous if a flirtation escalates, and I think there’s going to be some physical activity at some future point. I start to feel like I’ve led the guy on, and that I can’t make the first move, because if I make a move he’s going to expect to have sex with me, and expects that I’ve already had sex. I’m also afraid that when the subject does come up in the context of a serious relationship, the guy will be freaked out.

Any general thoughts on virginity in our society?

As I grew up, the attitude was “Oh my God, you want to have sex? What’s wrong with you?” Then, at a certain point, it became “Oh my God, you’re not having sex? What’s wrong with you?”

Having choices and sexual freedom includes the ability to say no, and to make your own decision about when you’re ready to do what. I just wish more people understood that.