This week's First Person interview comes from 30-year-old Bob, who ponders the various factors that that have contributed to his current sexual status. Please send us an email if you'd like to tell your story.
I am almost 30 and never thought I would be a virgin male at this age. I did not date in high school partly because I was too mature. In my junior year I could grow a full beard and was interested in religion, social and science television programs, and books. Little did I know that dating becomes more complex as one ages, and in that way I was very immature. In college I dumped my religious baggage at the dorm door. I still believed in morals–being truthful, kind and good to others–but not in the abstinence part. However, my focus in college was completing my degree and not getting into too much debt. Then after graduation, my focus was on finding a house.
At 27 I was happy. I had a house and liked where I lived, so I started to earnestly look at dating and losing my virginity. I thought dating should be easy. Dating was not easy. I had not dated before so everyone I dated was more experienced than I. Also, I was comfortable being alone, I had a house, friends, a job I enjoyed, freedom, porn, and so I did not need anyone.
After dating a while, I started to get a fear of rejection–not being rejected initially, but being rejected after spending time and effort, then having the relationship end before getting laid. The rejections made me ponder what my excuse for being a virgin is. I am bald but I went with it and shaved my head. I drink and party occasionally. I am 6 feet tall, 190 lbs, not gay, religious, overly shy, or a social introvert.
So basically I am normal and I have no good excuse except it has not happened yet. The longer I stay a virgin, the more it becomes a self-perpetuating feedback loop and the harder it becomes to break free. I still try–I just know now it is more difficult than I expected.
December 19, 2010
First Person: Bob
"The longer I stay a virgin, the more it becomes a self-perpetuating feedback loop."
7 comments:
"The longer I stay a virgin, the more it becomes a self-perpetuating feedback loop and the harder it becomes to break free."
Boy, do I know that story all too well. I actually identify with so much of your story, it's ridiculous. I'm even more of an anomaly because a) I'm a woman, which means I could apparently "get it whenever I want," and b) I study sexuality (ha). I like your attitude though and I admire your openness. As you see, I'm not quite there yet.
- Your Comrade in Virginal Goodness, A.
I also relate to your story. I always used school, my career, lack of stability as an excuse not to date. Now that I am ready to become romantically involved with someone, I find I am way behind the curve which just adds to my discomfort. So many of my friends want me to dive into the numbers game and just date a whole lot, but with my lack of experience, I have found I am more comfortable nurturing one potential relationship at a time. It might take longer that way (also maybe more emotionally taxing?), but I know that's what I need to feel comfortable until I have caught up more with my peers. I find myself increasingly drawn to the idea of finding a friend I already trust for my first time with sex. Then I can at least cross that off my list of things I haven't done yet.
I kind of feel the same way. As in, it just so happens that I'm a virgin. It's nothing other than inexperience and a crappy dating scene... as far as I know.
I am a 37 year old woman and am angry that I still have mine. I subscribed to a save-myself-for-marriage mentality and was influenced by religion throughout high school, college, and my early twenties. Once I realized a wedding wasn't on the horizon and I started to see cracks in other peoples religious arguments (they were telling me to save my self, but were and had been getting it on) I decided to challenge my beliefs. However, at my age, I don't feel like I can throw it away on someone insignificant. I am frustrated that suitable dates are scarce and that men don't really care about a woman's mileage (or lack thereof). This frustration makes it much harder for me to date when I actually meet someone. It is a self fulfilling prophecy that has me praying that I don't die a virgin.
Anonymous #2: I totally echo your desire to turn to a trusted friend for my first time. Unfortunately, my only prospect is one who fears us sleeping together will confuse our already emotionally-intense friendship.
I'm going to think positively for all 5 of us. Hopefully the new year will bring us what we're looking for.
- A.
Bob and all the other Anonymouses (?) -- I am totally with you! I spent my formative years being super ambitious, academic and feeling I was mature enough to know I wasn't mature enough for sex. But once I was ready... crickets in the dating sphere (and then some very awkward dates, then more crickets). The feedback loop, as you call it, is tricky, especially when the average individual in your peer group doesn't see sex as a big deal, and doesn't understand why you may not be so comfortable with it. I think especially as a woman, you're considered a freak or a prude or something worse if you're over a certain age and still a virgin. I'm embarrassed, even though I know there's nothing wrong with me, and it's SO ANNOYING.
Thanks for speaking out, Bob!
Add another reader to the mix. This is basically my story.
Sigh.
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