Cross-Post: A response to “30-Year-Old Virgins on Oprah Winfrey”

Note: We're so glad to be running this cross-post from the awesome blog "The Accidental Virgin" in response to a recent Oprah show. I'd recommend checking out the video and comments on Oprah's show page. Many people wrote about their own lives as older virgins, thankful for the show's focus on experiencing pleasure and feeling good about yourself. But there seemed to be just as many comments quoting scripture and sending shaming messages about the lifelong damage caused by pre-marital sex. The debate continues...

As I mentioned in the last post, Friday’s episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show centered on two women in their 30s who haven’t had sex. After watching it tonight I thought it was okay. The show acknowledged that people remain virgins for various reasons — many of whom are fine with it — but the two guests on the show were not.

For Shayla, after watching her father sleep around only months after her mother died, she realized she didn’t want to be used and “thrown away” like the women he’d bring home. She didn’t like that after 20 years of a wonderful marriage that her mother was replaceable within months after her death.

“So your dad, who was your best buddy, this great dad, the ideal father, if he can betray your mom, and they had the perfect relationship, what can I count on?”

“Me,” Shayla responds. “That’s it.”

Carmen’s insecurity about her weight, on the other hand, seems to stand in her way. At almost 300 pounds she says she would rather be alone than to have someone look at her the way she currently is. In the show, when questioned what would be the worst thing that could happen, she responds it’d be getting to the point where she’s about to have sex and being rejected by her partner.

“I’ll have to be naked and… it would just turn him off. Like he would scream, ‘Oh my God, that’s disgusting.’ Then just kind of leave.”

Interestingly, my first thought after hearing both of these women speak about their fears was that I have the same trepidations. I can connect with Shayla’s admission above and, even though I’m not overweight (although no where near a size zero), Carmen’s statement as well. Their circumstances may differ but among their fears they both seem to share the fear of being vulnerable. One that I probably voiced in my blog a few times and can relate too. I remember the therapist on the show commented it was all about the fears; body image, being abandoned, having your heart broken, self esteem — universal fears that all women have. But that in this instance it was on the extreme.

So…this topic is getting (more) national exposure. Which is good. However, after having watched the show, I think that since this particular episode concentrated on two women who were seeking help with their particular situation, it tend to convey virginity as chiefly a psychological issue. I don’t know… rather than chalk it up to emotional baggage and “issues”, for me it felt more like these were just the cards these women were dealt in life.

Oprah commented that it goes beyond sex (or lack thereof). That it runs into a lack of intimacy and a lack of connection. Not having experienced these I for one can testify that it is something that can very well lead a person to feel isolated and unloved.

In the end, both women in the show were propelled into taking risks that threw them outside of their comfort zone (one was even urged to masturbate and talk about the experience…which I thought was amusing, given her ‘good girl’ views about the act itself). Eventually, they were comfortable enough to go on dates and the episode ended on a positive note; that “if you want to take the reigns in your life, you can create the love in your life that you want.”

Easier said than done. But still encouraging to say the least.