This week's First Person interview comes from 22-year-old Mark, who emailed us for some advice. So we decided, with his OK, to share it with the American Virgin community. If you have any thoughts or advice for Mark, please leave him a comment. Thanks! Send us an email if you'd like to tell your story.
I am a 22-year male virgin. Not only am I a virgin, but I have never been kissed or asked a girl on a date. Not that there haven't been girls that I've liked, quite the opposite; but even thinking about telling a girl about how I feel sends me into a full-blown panic attack. I often feel that drugs and booze are the only way that I can express myself, but those sometimes turn against me; I simply don't know what to think.
It might worth adding a few things: I didn't come from a religious or repressive household; on the contrary, I have always been able to discuss sex and relationship issues openly with my family. I'm not a hopeless romantic either, and although I certainly would like to find a special someone, I'm not naively hung-up on saving it as something major; at this point, I'd rather just get it over with so if and when I do find someone I'm not completely awkward and inept.
Lastly, I have no problems talking to girls on a friendly level, and I cherish having female friends who lend balance to the testosterone circus (and though they are female, they will always be my 'dudes'). It's only when I find myself developing more-than-friend feelings that I panic; I'm currently looking into therapy for that.
I discovered [this blog] couple of months ago, and it has since been a source of comfort for me. It's helpful to know that I'm not alone, or a bumbling freak of nature like I'd be thought of by many. Most of my college classes are populated by males who feel that burning male need to talk endlessly of their 'conquests'; as you might imagine, being surrounded by that in my position can be rather embarrassing, not to mention annoying.
Do you have any advice for me?
October 8, 2010
First Person: Mark
"Even thinking about telling a girl how I feel sends me into a full-blown panic attack. Any advice?"
3 comments:
Be patient, be brave.
I wonder if you have any sense of why romantic/sexual context sends you into a panic spiral - are you anxious about lack of experience? insecure about your body/performance/self? scared of rejection? Identifying what you're afraid of can help moderate the fear from amorphous panic to a more reasonable, manageable nervousness.
I also think that for many people, dating becomes easier after college. You meet more strangers, maybe live in a bigger city. Go on internet dates. They might not mean anything, but you'll feel less nervous after you get a few under your belt.
And, in case this helps with the anxiety - I don't think that you need to tell the first girl you kiss or ask out on a date that she's the first for that. She might not think you're an awesome kisser, but the same happens for plenty of experienced guys.
Figure out what you're scared of. This will help.
I'm in much the same boat, Mark, but seven years further down the road. You're right to seek therapy as that can help unpack your anxieties and determine their root cause. Your finances might be tight if you're in or just out of college, but it's worth the cost. If your school offers mental health services, definitely take it up on that.
You mentioned you have no problem speaking to women on a friendly level. Do you have any female friends -- preferably ones for whom you do not have romantic feelings -- you trust enough to talk to about this? Or maybe your parents? I just get the feeling this isn't something you speak of frequently. Just having an outlet or a sympathetic ear can help take the edge off the feeling that you're all alone.
Lastly, pay no heed to that sea of testosterone in your classes. If college-age males got laid half as often as they claim, they'd never have time to study.
Good luck, brother.
I feel that therapy will be helpful for you. A therapist can help teach you new ways to think out the feelings you are experiencing and redirect them into new ways of thinking. So, instead of going OH GOD WHAT DO I DO SHE'LL HATE ME IF I DON'T DO THIS PERFECT can instead turn into concentrating on your conversation. It's possible! I swear!
I have a guy friend that got super duper awkward around girls he was possibly interested in, and he hated himself for it. I used to coach him on how to chill out on AIM and he'd be okay for a little then fall back into familiar patterns. He's still like that and will occasionally throw out how much he hates it into conversation. He's completely self-loathing. Don't be that guy!
I don't want to give you any advice on the awkwardness straight-up. I'll leave that to a professional.
There are actually males your age who are not obsessed with being laid. It's certainly a thought, but they can talk about other things, too. Perhaps finding avenues to find new types of people can socially help? Maybe a club or a sport? I'm including badminton as a sport. Just SOMETHING to be around different types of people who don't have thug mentalities about conquests. Sometimes being around a new crowd can help. If one doesn't work, try another. If your school is pretty small, try the nearby town for new people. The only thing you have to lose by exploring is... well, you have nothing to lose! So much to gain.
To solve your never been kissed thing, I suggest enlisting a friend to smooch just to know what it feels like to have someone else's face up in your business. That may help take away a part of the fear... make sure they know it's for scientific purposes ahead of time.
Good luck, dude! you'll be great. :)
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