The question of whether it's true that "women do not want old virgins" recently showed up as a comment on a post. I thought I'd throw it out there for readers to weigh in on.
I'm eager to hear what you think, so please contribute your thoughts in the comments. Here are my thoughts:
I'm not sure what the commenter means by 'old' and I don't know if this is directed to straight women only. Whatever the intent, I don't think any blanket statements like 'women do not want old virgins' are very useful. Some women like experienced partners, some don't have this preference. No matter what someone is looking for in a sexual relationship, needs and desires differ and can change over time.
From the letters and comments I read, my impression is that it's not the 'virginity' that's the issue. Things like lack of confidence, anger over anticipated rejection, and generally underdeveloped social skills – things which may result from having little experience with intimacy – are the things that might turn a potential partner off.
So, readers: What do you think? Is it your experience that women don't want older virgins? How about men? Is this limited to heterosexual sex or is it true across the spectrum? Let us know.
July 27, 2010
A reader asks: Is it true that women aren't interested in older virgins? What do you think?
7 comments:
I think this can be like anything else when it comes to people wanting -- or finding inconsequential -- certain levels or kinds of life experience. Often, with people we get very close to, we may want to have certain experiences or ways of having lived we know we shared, while other times or with certain things, it won't matter. Those preferences are often very individual, and not just about any one area of life, like sex.
More times than not, I think things like this come down to how much OTHER life experience is or is not similar. If sexual life experience was one of many dissimilar things per where people have been and where they're at now, it seems more likely to be a major issue, whereas if there's a lot of other common shared experience, it'll probably be less of one.
As someone who has only had sexual experiences with male virgins (in terms of PIV hetero intercourse), I didn't have a problem with it. However, they weren't older: both in their early 20's. I think there are the stigmas -- the fumbling, the not knowing what to do, the "one minute man" -- that scare people off of that. But chemistry is chemistry, and if you have it with someone despite them being a virgin, then why not see what happens and if you can develop something? I do think lack of confidence comes into play, or fear that they won't add up can also be annoying. I had a partner who commented that he "probably wasn't as good" as another partner I had, and that sentiment was frustrating, for sure.
Here is a completely hypothetical question.
Lets say a woman is attracted to a guy who is
at least 30 years old. By attractive I mean
that she finds him both physically attractive
as well as having an attractive personality.
She then find out he is a virgin. In America
what is the likelihood that she no longer finds
him attractive now that she knows he is a virgin. I know that in the end it really depends on the woman but what I'm interested in is if you think it would be more or less common for a women to no longer view the 30+ man as attractive?
I can only speak for myself and say that a man who was attractive in appearance and personality would continue to be so, even if he's wasn't sexually experienced.
I would also say if intimacy ensued, I'd want to know about his lack of experience, so I could take it into account and help make the whole thing more fun and less awkward.
Do others feel differently?
I think it depends on the girl and how attracted she is to the guy. But many girls consider it a negative. Of course they wouldn't mention this in casual converstation, they love to talk about how good it is or how acceptable it is but it isn't.
I'm an older virgin and I wouldn't tell the girl. I wouldn't want her to run away or get repulsed. The fact of the matter is that a lot of girls think older virgins are losers or friend material. End of story.
I'm 37 and fall into this category of "loser or friend material". I would agree that I am very good friend material, but in no way a loser. I would tell a prospective partner. I would be hoping that "a blank slate to train how you want" might be a plus.
This article and the comments below it are politically correct nonsense. I was an older male virgin and ladies, your pretty lies don't help guys in this situation. Again, ladies I know you mean well and are being nice and politically correct but these guys, like I used to be, need to understand the unvarnished, brutal truth. They need to understand the real truth of the situation, and once they understand this, they can look at their options and decide what to do.
And the real, brutal, unvarnished truth, from not only my personal experience, but also reading many, many studies and also talking to countless women about this subject, is they HATE, HATE, HATE older male virgins. Not as friends. They wouldn't mind having a friend who is a virgin. But they feel a deep sense of disgust and repulsion towards guys who over a certain age who are virgins or haven't had a lot of sexual partners. It is similar to the way guys know certain girls who are extremely fat and ugly. You may have a female friend who is fat, and you may be friends with her. But you wouldn't date her in a million years. That is the same way women think of older male virgins. The vast majority (95%+) will dump a guy if they discover this. Finding out a guy is an older male virgin, is equivalent to discovering a girl who you are dating, has slept with hundreds of men, including your entire social circle, has cheated on every other boyfriend she has had and even worked as a prostitute for a couple of years. Yeah, not every guy is going to leave a girl if he discovers this about his girl. But nearly all will, and it is the same response women have in discovering that they are dating a male virgin.
The solution? Lie, lie and lie some more. Women lie about their sexual histories all the time so don't feel bad about this. Just lie about this if you are asked. And another thing. Don't ever think that your girl is "special" and would "understand." She doesn't "understand" and the more you like her, the more you need to hide this from her. Of course, if you want her to promptly dump you and never call you back, feel free to tell her.
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